There were two Catholic boys,Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola.,whose lives paraelled each other in amazing ways
The same year Timothy was born in Ireland,Antonio was born in Sicily
Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in high school
They took their vows to enter into priesthood early in college,and upon graduation were ordained priests
Their careers amazed the world,but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all aspects
Their rise through the ranks of Bishop,Arch Bishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the leastand the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died,that either Antonio or Timothy would be selected as Pope
In time the Pope did expireand the College of Cardinals went to work

In less time than anyone expected ,white smoke issued from the chimney in the Popes chapel,and the world waited to see who they had chosen
The whole world ,Catholic,protestant and Secular were surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy was the new Pope
Antonio was devastated.He knew that he was more qualified to lead the Church than was Timothy.
Antonio demanded audience with the Cardinals and questioned their wisdom in their decision
He finally asked "Why Timothy?"
There was dead silence
Finally one old Cardinal rose from his seat and said
"Antonio,we know that you were the most qualified"
again Antonio demanded"Then why Timothy?"
The old Cardinal finally answered
"We just couldn't stand the thought of the leader of the CAtholic Church being called



Popesicola

This is dedicated to those phenomenal women on OPP
especially to

KatrinaGirl

FishLady

kandydisbar


Betts


and for two who graced our presence,but now are not on the Stage--Zoey and Beth


these ladies have had an effect on me during my time on the Stage--Kudos to each and every one of them

Phenomenal Woman--(Maya Angelou)--April 4th,1928--May 28,2014

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies
I'm not cute or built to suit a
fashion models size
but when I start to tell them
they think I'm telling lies

I say
it's the reach of my arms
the span of my hips
the stride of my step
the curl of my lips
I'm a woman
phenomenally
phenomenal woman
that's me

I walk in a room
just as cool as you please
and to a man
the fellows stand ,or
fall down on their knees
then they swarm around me
a hive of honey bees

I say
its the fire in my eyes
and the flash of my teeth
the swing of my waist
and the joy in my feet
I'm a woman
phenomenally
phenomenal woman
that's me

Men themselves have wondered
what they see in me
they try so much
but they cant touch
my inner mystery
when I try to show them
they say they still cant see

I say
it's the arch of my back
the sun of my smile
the rise of my breasts
the grace of my style
I'm a woman
phenomenal woman
that's me

Now you understand
just why my heads not bowed
I don't shout or jump about
or have to talk real loud
when you see me passing
it ought to make you proud

I say
it's the click of my heels
the bend of my hair
the palm of my hand
the need of my care
cause I'm a woman
phenomenally
phenomenal woman
that's me

Granpa to grandson---"in the winter,we would ice skate on our pond.in the summer we would swim in the pond,and we would swing on a rope to launch ourselves into the pond.
We would explore the woods nearby,and pick wild berries from the bushes.We had ponies to ride,and we had races."
Grandson to granpa---"gee Gramps,I wish i had got to know you a little sooner'


Eastern Oz,plumbob and Big A are out for a stroll.
onOz remarks"It's windy"
plumreplies "No,it's Thursday"
Big says "I am too,lets go get a beer'


bb was having hearing problems and went to a specialist.
The specialist fitted him with hearing aids that brought his hearing back to normal.He told bb"Come back in a week for adjustments.'
When bb returned ,no adjustments were needed,everything was perfect.
The specialist said"your family must be delighted that you can hear everything now"
bb replied"I haven't told them.I just sit quietly and listen to everything they say.
I've changed my will three times now"


Hospital rules state that patients checking out must use wheel chairs
One day a newly graduated nurses assistant came into a room to find an elderly man,fully dressed,sitting in the chair beside the bed,with luggage packed,ready to go.
When presented with the wheel chair,he laughed and said "i am perfectly capable to walk,young lady'.But the young lady quoted the hospital rules and insisted he sit in the wheel chair.
so he relented and sat down in the wheel chair.
The assistant rolled him out of the room,into an elevator and through the lobby to the outer doors.
"IS your wife picking you up sir"she asked
The old man said"No maa'm,It takes her quite a while to get ready to go,so she is still up in her bathroom,taking off her hospital gown and getting dressed"



Fourchon and his wife were having short term memory lapses.
they consulted a doctor who examined them and told them that physically they were in fine shape for their age. But that maybe they should write things down,since they were forgetting things.
that evening they were in their living room watching TV.
Four got out of his chair and said"I'm going to the kitchen dear,can i get you anything?"
His wife said"Well yes dear,you can get me a dish of vanilla ice cream.Maybe you ought to write that down,so you won't forget'
"Naw",said Four I can remember that.Was there any thing else?"
His wife said"well,yes,I'd like some strawberries on that Ice cream.Why don't you write that down,so you won't forget"/
"Aw",I can remember that"Four replied."now was there anything else you wanted dear?"
She replied"now that I think of it ,I'd like some chocolate syrup over that ice cream and straw berries.Now honey,that is

an awful lot to remember,you should write that down
But Four just laughed and went into the kitchen.
half an hour later he returned and gave her a plate of scrambled eggs
She stared at the scrambled eggs for a minute and said"You old fool,I told you to write everything down!You forgot my toast!!!"



On an overseas flight ,a lawyer sat beside an old man.
The lawyer asked the old man if he would like to play a game,just to pass the time.
But the old man was tired and told the lawyer that he was very tired and just wanted to sleep
But the lawyer insisted,saying the game was lots of fun."here's how it works.I ask you a question and if you cant answer correctly you give me a dollar.
Then it's your turn to ask me a question and if I can't answer correctly,I give you twenty dollars'
The old man figured if he played the game once,then he could get some sleep,so he said okay.
The lawyer then asked him"how far apart is our earth and the planet Mars?"
The old man admitted he didn't know and handed the lawyer a dollar bill.
Then he asked"What goes up the stairs backward and comes down the stairs frontward"?
The lawyer was stumped and had no answer.So he gave the old man twenty dollars.
The lawyer was upset,and finally asked the old man"What goes up the stairs backward and comes down the stairs frontward"??
The old man handed the lawyer a dollar,turned his back on him and went to sleep.
warning to you youngsters--Don't mess with old folks

The Senility Prayer

God grant me senility
to forget the people
I never liked anyway
The good fortune to
run into the ones I do like
And the eyesight to tell the difference

Beauty Parlor---A place where women curl up and dye

Chickens---The only animal we eat before they are born and after they are dead

Committee---A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours

Dust---mud with the juice squeezed out

Egotist---Someone deep in conversation

Handkerchief----Cold storage

Inflation---Cutting money in half without damaging the paper

Mosquito---An insect that makes you like flies better

Political correctness---A doctrine fostered by a delusional minority

Raisin--A sunburned grape

Secret--A story you tell just one person at a time

Skeleton---A bunch of bones with the person scraped off

Toothache---The pain that drives you to extraction

Tomorrow---Greatest labor saving device known to man

Yawn---An honest opinion openly expressed

Wrinkles---something old folks hate(similar to my character lines)




old

I told a friend I was having an affair.He asked --Are you having it catered?

In youth the days are short and the years long
In old age the years are short and the days are long


Illegal immigration

Conversation at a fitness center turned to illegal immigration
One guy said"I read an article that said 60 percent of Americans are immigrants"Another said:that can't be true."
"No,it isn't true "said a native American Indian."There are a whole lot more of you guys than that"



church convention

Toward the close of a church convention banquet The Pastor stood up and disrupted the entire affair
"We will reserve the entertainment until the waitresses have taken everything off"

Male,1926,high mileage,good condition,some hair left,many new parts,including hip,knee and cornea.Not in running condition but can still walk

Recent widow just buried 4th husband,looking for someone to round out a a six unit plot.Dizziness,shortness of breath and fainting spells,not a problem.

Active grand mother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share steak,corn on the cob and caramel candy

I usually remember Monday through Thursday.If you can remember Friday,Saturday and Sunday,lets put our heads together



The pond
this old guy had a large farm,and on the farm was a large pond.
He fixed it up with picnic tables,a diving board,a horse shoe court and planted trees around it.
One evening he decided to visit his pond,just to check it out and make sure everything was still in place.
He took a five gallon bucket to bring back some black berries he knew grew in the surrounding woods.
As he neared his pond he heard voices shouting and laughing.
when he got close to the pond he saw that several young women were cavorting and swimming ,buck naked in his pond.
He made the young ladies aware of his presence and they immediately went to the deep end of the pond and knelt there.
finally one yelled at him;"We aren't coming out until you leave ,you old pervert"
The old man replied"I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swimmin naked or make you get out of my pond naked.
He then held up the five gallon bucket and said"I just came down to feed my alligators"
Moral-----don't mess with old guys
Some of us can think pretty fast.


Quips

It's too late to agree with me--I've changed my mind

I am extremely resistant to change---unless it jingles in my pockets

Ita always a good idea to shut your mouth--before someone shuts it for you

Wherever you go,there you are.And if you don't know where you are going,you will probably wind up somewhere else

Ask yourself--if you were someone else,would you want to be friend with you

Judging how things are today,it's a good thing the future doesn't come all at once

1---Law of mechanical repair
After your hands become coated with grease and oil,\your nose will begin to itch and you will need to pee

#2--Law of gravity
Any tool,nut,bol or screw,\\when dropped will always roll to the most inaccessible place

#3--Law of probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

#4--Law of random numbers
If you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal someone always answers

#5--Law of variations
If you change grocery or traffic lanesthe one you were in, will always move faster than the one you are now in

#6--Law of the bath--When the body is fully immersed in waterthe telephone will ring

#7--Law of close encounters
The odds of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with

#8--Law of the result
When you try to prove that a machine won't work--it will

#9--Law of biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach

#10--Law of football games and theaters
At any event the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle always arrive last.They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food and drinkor to go to the toilet.And always leave early before the end of the game(or performance is over.The folks in the aisle seats come early and never move even once.They have long, gangly legs or big pot bellies and always stay to the bitter end .These aisle people are for some reason, extremely surly folk

#11--The coffee law
As soon as you sit down to a cuppa hot coffee your boss(Wife) will ask(tell) you to do something which will last until your coffee is cold

#12--Law of locker rooms
If there are only two people in the locker room they will have adjacent lockers

#13--Law of physical surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on the floor are directly correlated to the cost and newness of the carpet

#14--Law of logical argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about

#15--Law of physical appearance
If the clothes fit they are not pleasing to the eye

#16--Law of public speaking
A closed mouth will gather no feet

#17--Law of commercial marketing strategy
As soon as you find a product you really like.They will stop making it or the store will stop selling it

#18--Doctors law
If you aren't feeling well make an appointment with your Doctor.By the time you get thereyou will feel better.On the other hand ,if you don't make the appointment you will get worse

Finally
Law of aging
I thought growing so old would take longer

If I had a dollar for every girl who found me unattractive they would find me attractive

I find it ironic that the colors red white and blue stand for freedom,unless they are flashing behind you

Today a man knocked on my dooe and asked for a small donation for the local swimming pool.I gave him a small glass of water

I have changed my password to "incorrect",so when I forget it the computer will tell me "your password is incorrect

Artificial intelligence is no match for my natural stupidity

I'm good at multi-tasking.I waste time ,be unproductive and procrastinate,all at the same time

If you can smile when things go wrong,you must have someone to blame

Never tell your problems to anyone.20%don't really care,and 80% are glad you have them

Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is expected?

Take my advice--I don't use it

I hate it when people use big words,just to make themselves sound perspicatious

Hospitality is making guests feel at home.Even though you wish they were

Television may insult your intelligence,but nothing ruins it like a computer

I bought a battery powered vacuum cleaner;so far it's gathering dust

Every time someone comes up with a fool-proof solution,along comes a more talented fool

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes

If you keep both feet on the ground,you will have trouble putting on your pants

A computer beat me at chess;but I was the better kick-boxer

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

When I married ms right,I had no Idea her first name was Always

My daughter got eight out of ten on her driving test.The other two jumped out of her way

There is no excuse for laziness,but I'm still looking

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking

Give me ambiguity or give me something else

He who laughs last thinks slowest

Women sometimes make fools of men,but most of us are do it yourself types

I was going to give him a nasty look but he already had one

change is inevitableexcept from a vending machine

The grass may be greener on the other side,but you don't have to mow it

I like long walkswhen other people take them

Sometimes I wake up grumpy,other times I let her sleep

Q--Where can men over 80 find younger women who are interested in them?
A--A book store,under fiction

Q---What can a man do if his wife is going through menopause?
A--Keep busy.If you are handy with tools,finish the basement.When you are done,you will have a place to live

Q---Someone told me that menopause was mentioned in the Bible.Is that true ,and if so ,where can it be found?
A--Yes it's true,Matthew 1492,"and Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Europe"

Q--How can you increase the heart rate of your 80 year old husband?
A--Tell him you are pregnant

Q--How do you avoid the ugly wrinkles in your face and neck?
A--Remove your glasses

Q--Seriously,what can I do for these wrinkles and crows feet on my face?
A--Go braless,that will usually straiten them out

Q--Why should older folks always use valet parking?
A--Valets don't forget where your car is parked

Q--Is it common for older folks to have short term memory loss?
A--Storing memory is not a problem.Retrieving it is the problem

Q--Do older folks sleep more soundly?
A--Yes,but usually in the afternoon

Q_Where should older folks look for eye glasses?
A--Usually on their forehead

Q--What do Older folks say when they enter antique stores?
A--Oh,I remember these

Smile---it ain't gonna crack your face

Miss Beatrice,the Church organist was in her 80s and had never been married.
She was admired for her kindness and sweet personality.
One afternoon,the new Pastor came to call upon her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she made tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,the young Pastor noticed a cut glass bowl,sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water and in the water floated(of all things)a condom.
When Miss Beatrice returned with the tea ,they began to chat
The pastor tried to contain his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater,but soon it got the better of him.
"Miss B,"he said "Would you tell me about this",pointing to the bowl of water
"Oh yes',she replied"Isn't it wonderful"?
"I was walking in the park a few months ago ,when i saw this little package on the ground.
I was curious,so I picked it up and took it home with me"
I noticed directions on the front,that said to place it on the organ,keep it wet,and that it would prevent disease.
And did you know?I haven't even had a cold all winter!"

old but funny



These questions and answers were spontaneous,and unscripted

Q--What is a good reason for pounding meat?
A--Paul Lynde--"Loneliness"

Q--Do female frogs croak?
a--Paul Lynde"If you hold their little heads under water long enough"

Q--If you are going to make a parachute jump from an airplane,how high should you be?
a--Charley Weaver"Three days steady drinking should do it"

Q-true or false-A pea can last as long as 5000 years
A--George Gobel-"Boy,it sure seems that way sometimes"

Q-You've been having trouble going to sleep.Are you probably a man or a woman?
A--Don Knotts"That's what's been keeping me awake"

Q--According to Cosmopolitan,If you meet a stranger at a party ,and you think he is attractive,is it okay to ask him if he is married?
A--Rose Marie--"No,wait until the next morning"

Q--Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A-Charley Weaver"My sense of decency"

Q--What are"do it,I can help,and I can't get enough?
A--George Gobel-"I dunno,but its coming from the next apartment"

AS you get older,do you tend to gesture more with your hands ,when talking?
A-Rose Marie"You ask me one more growing old question Peter,And I'll give you a gesture you won't forget"

Q--Why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A-Paul Lynde"Because chiffon wrinkles too easy"

Q--You've decided to grow strawberries.Are you going to get any the first year?
ACharley Weaver"Of course not,I'll be too busy growing strawberries"

Q--What is the perfect score in bowling
A-Rose Marie"dating the pin boy"

Q--During a tornado,are you safer in a bedroom or the closet?
A-Rose Marie"Unfortunately,I'm always safe in the bedroom"

Q--Can boys join the CAmpfire girls?
A-Marty Allen'Only after lights out"

Q-When you pat a dog on the head,he will wag his tail.What will a goose do
A-Paul Lynde"Make him bark?"

Q-If you were pregnant for two years,what would you give birth to?
A--Paul Lynde"Whatever it was it would never be afraid of the dark"

According to Ann Landers--Is it okay to get into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A-Charley Weaver"It got me out of the Army"

Q-Back in the old days when great grandpa put horse radish on his head,what was he trying to do?
A-George Gobel"Get it it in his mouth?"

Q-Who stays pregnant for the longer time<your wife or your elephant?
A-Paul Lynde"Who told you about my elephant"?

Q-Jackie Gleason said he firmly believed in them,and has on at least two occasions,actually seen them.What are they?
A-Charley Weaver"His feet"

What are two things you should never do in bed
A-Paul Lynde"Point and laugh"


C'mon now, laugh a little
We don't stop laughing because we grow old
we grow old because we stop laughing

A priest and a Rabbi sat together on a plane
The Priest turned to the Rabbi and said,"Tell me ,is it still a requirement of your faith that you eat not of pork"?
The rabbi answered,"Yes Father ,that is still our belief"
The Priest then asked"Then ,have you ever eaten pork"?
"sadly,yes Father,on just one occasion I succumbed to the temptation and tasted a ham sandwich"
The priest nodded his understanding and started reading a pamphlet

A little later the Rabbi asked the Priest
"now Father ,is it still a requirement of your church that you should remain celibate"?The priest replied"Yes,that is still very much a part of our faith"
The Rabbi then asked"then Father,have you ever fallen to the temptation of the flesh"?
"sadly Rabbi,on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith"
the Rabbi nodded his understanding and was quiet for a minute
finally he said
"Beats a ham sandwich"

BF and his lovely wife the Sgt Major had been married a few weeks
One evening BF said to the Sgt Major
"Honey Pie,I'm goin down to Archie's Bar and have a couple of beers,I won't be gone long.Promise"
The S.M. replied,"You want a couple of beers,my love?"She opened the fridge and showed him an array of beers.
Beers from Germany,France,England,Mexico and Canada,and even Japan and China.
BF replied"Well,yes ,my lovey,but at Archie's they have these big frozen mugs,I'll only be gone a short time,sweety"
But the S.M. said"you want a frozen mug huh, puppy face?"reached into the deep freeze and came up with a huge frozen mug
Now BF was getting a little desperate"But Turtle dove,at Archies they have these tasty hors-d-oueves,I promise I'll be right back dear'
But the S.M.said "you want Hors-d-oueves Peachy Pie?'",opened the fridge and showed him all kinds of tasty tidbits
chicken wings,pigs in a blanket,mushrooms and little quiches
BF now really feeling he was in trouble tried once more
But lover,at Archie"s we all talk real loud and swear and say dirty words,now sweetie I won't be gone long,i promise"
But the Sgt Major said You want swearing,loud talk,and dirty words my Sweety Pie?"
OK then, Doll Face,
SHUT YOUR F------N PIE HOLE.SIT YOUR SORRY ASS DOWN,SHUT THE HELL UP,DRINK THE FRIGGIN BEER IN YOUR YOUR STUPID DAMNED FROZEN MUG,EAT YOUR DUMBASS TIDBITS IN THE FRIDGE AND DO ALL THAT RIgHT HERE.
YOU ARE NOT IN THE FRIGGIN CORPS ANY MORE.YOU ARE MARRIED NOW,AND YOUR SORRY ASS IS SOOO NOT GOING TO ARCHIES BAR
THAT CRAP IS ALL OVER.GOT IT DUMBASS?/
and Slat and the Sgt Major have lived happily(well as happily as anyone)ever since
Now aint that a lovely story?

I will ask forgiveness from the Sgt major
I know she is much too nice a person to use such vile language

bottomcoon and Fourchon entered a bar
Both ordered a beer and looked up at a blaring TV
on the screen ,a man was poised on the ledge of a tall building,threatening to jump.
Four said,"Bet you twenty he don't jump"
coon replied"well,I think he will.Put up or shut up"
And sure enough the man did a swan dive to his death.
Four moaned"Oh,I can't believe he did that,but here's your twenty coon".
coon said,Four I have a confession to make,I saw that on TV an hour ago.I can't take your money"
Four replied<\,"So did I ,but I just couldn't believe he would do it again"!
coon took the twenty