Posts for: BadFisherman.11
Sep 12, 2023 20:03:56 #
"Sometimes, when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I did not drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, it is better to drink this beer & let dreams come true, than be selfish & worry about my liver.” Babe Ruth
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” Paul Horning
"24 hours in a day and 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not!” H. L. Mencken
"When we drink, we get drunk When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven.” George Bernard Shaw
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” Benjamin Franklin
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.” Dave Barry
“Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B.C.” W. C. Fields
“Remember ‘I’ before ‘E,’ except in Budweiser.” Professor Irwin Corey
“To some it is a six-pack. To me, it is a Support Group Salvation in a can.” Leo Durocher
One night on Cheers, a TV Sitcom, Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson: "Well, ya-see, Normy, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells but, naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after drinking beer.
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” Paul Horning
"24 hours in a day and 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not!” H. L. Mencken
"When we drink, we get drunk When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven.” George Bernard Shaw
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” Benjamin Franklin
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.” Dave Barry
“Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B.C.” W. C. Fields
“Remember ‘I’ before ‘E,’ except in Budweiser.” Professor Irwin Corey
“To some it is a six-pack. To me, it is a Support Group Salvation in a can.” Leo Durocher
One night on Cheers, a TV Sitcom, Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson: "Well, ya-see, Normy, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells but, naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after drinking beer.
Sep 12, 2023 16:25:42 #
While fishing, a little boy asked his father, "How did the human race appear?"
The father answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."
Two days later the boy asked his mother the same question.. The mother answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused child returned to his father and said, "Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?"
The father answered, "Well, son, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your mother told you about hers."
The father answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."
Two days later the boy asked his mother the same question.. The mother answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused child returned to his father and said, "Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?"
The father answered, "Well, son, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your mother told you about hers."
Sep 3, 2023 21:53:55 #
Snakes known as Garter Snakes can be dangerous Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
While relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here...
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
And that's when he shot her.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
While relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here...
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
And that's when he shot her.
Sep 2, 2023 16:03:21 #
Two elderly widows are sitting on one of their porches talking about how good their husbands had been to them.
The first woman says, “On my first wedding anniversary, my husband bought me a gold ring.”
The second woman says (with a drawl), “That’s niiiiiiiiiiiiiiice.”
The first woman says, “On my tenth wedding anniversary, my husband bought me a diamond necklace.”
The second woman says, “That’s niiiiiiiiiiiiiiice.”
The first woman says, “And on my twenty-fifth wedding anniversary, my husband bought me a trip around the world.”
The second woman says, “That’s niiiiiiiiiiiiiiice.”
The first woman says, “And what did your husband ever buy for you?”
The second woman says, “Well, on my first wedding anniversary, my husband bought me lessons at a school of etiquette.”
The first woman says, “Lessons at a school of etiquette? Well, why in the world would he buy you something like that?”
The second woman says, “So I’d learn how to say that’s niiiiiiiiiiiiice, instead of who the hell cares.”
The first woman says, “On my first wedding anniversary, my husband bought me a gold ring.”
The second woman says (with a drawl), “That’s niiiiiiiiiiiiiiice.”
The first woman says, “On my tenth wedding anniversary, my husband bought me a diamond necklace.”
The second woman says, “That’s niiiiiiiiiiiiiiice.”
The first woman says, “And on my twenty-fifth wedding anniversary, my husband bought me a trip around the world.”
The second woman says, “That’s niiiiiiiiiiiiiiice.”
The first woman says, “And what did your husband ever buy for you?”
The second woman says, “Well, on my first wedding anniversary, my husband bought me lessons at a school of etiquette.”
The first woman says, “Lessons at a school of etiquette? Well, why in the world would he buy you something like that?”
The second woman says, “So I’d learn how to say that’s niiiiiiiiiiiiice, instead of who the hell cares.”
Sep 1, 2023 19:28:56 #
CoDen wrote:
Thanks Bf. Now I’ll be able to keep score 🍺☎️📱
🌴😎🌴
🌴😎🌴
I love killing flies.
Aug 31, 2023 14:26:28 #
A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.
"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?!"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."
He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs,
"Not anymore! He is!"
"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?!"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."
He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs,
"Not anymore! He is!"
Aug 31, 2023 14:21:56 #
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," he replied.
"Oh, killed any?" she said.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," came the answer.
Intrigued, the wife asked,
“How can you tell them apart?"
Husband: "3 were on a beer can, and 2 were on the phone."
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," he replied.
"Oh, killed any?" she said.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," came the answer.
Intrigued, the wife asked,
“How can you tell them apart?"
Husband: "3 were on a beer can, and 2 were on the phone."
Aug 30, 2023 16:59:50 #
Two old guys, Rick 80 and Bill 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath.
The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said, “Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.”
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, “Do you have any rye bread?”
She said, “Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?”
He said, “I want five loaves.”
She said, “My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it’ll be hard.”
He replied,
“I can’t believe everybody knows about this stuff but me.”
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath.
The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said, “Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.”
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, “Do you have any rye bread?”
She said, “Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?”
He said, “I want five loaves.”
She said, “My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it’ll be hard.”
He replied,
“I can’t believe everybody knows about this stuff but me.”Aug 29, 2023 14:41:31 #
Seamus was about to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer, Paddy, approached and asked if he could join him. Seamus said that he usually played alone but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes. Paddy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for £5.00 a hole?"
Seamus said that he wasn't much for betting but agreed.
Paddy easily won the remaining 16 holes. They walked off number eighteen while Paddy counted his £80.00. He then confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and “liked to pick on suckers.”
Seamus, shocked, revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
Paddy the pro was flustered and apologetic and offered to return the money.
Seamus replied, "You won fair and square I was foolish to bet with you. Keep your winnings."
An embarrassed Paddy asked, "Please, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
Seamus replied, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.
They were even after the first few holes. Paddy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for £5.00 a hole?"
Seamus said that he wasn't much for betting but agreed.
Paddy easily won the remaining 16 holes. They walked off number eighteen while Paddy counted his £80.00. He then confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and “liked to pick on suckers.”
Seamus, shocked, revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
Paddy the pro was flustered and apologetic and offered to return the money.
Seamus replied, "You won fair and square I was foolish to bet with you. Keep your winnings."
An embarrassed Paddy asked, "Please, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
Seamus replied, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.
Aug 8, 2023 14:17:33 #
Graywulff wrote:
In Montana or Wyoming????
I'm guessing Arkansas.
Aug 7, 2023 16:12:00 #
Poor old Dai Evans had fallen on hard times, and had to sell off part of his farm. He advertised a large field, but the price was high.
His neighbour Bryn decided to buy the field, but wanted to know why it was so special.
“Dai bach, I’m happy to buy it, but not at that price.”
“Bryn Bach, this place holds many memories for me. You see that fencepost over in the far left corner? That’s where I met my first girlfriend. You see the post in the far right? That’s where we made love for the very first time. The fencepost in the lower right was where her mum stood and watched.”
Bryn is somewhat startled by this revelation.
“Dai bach, I can see why the field is really special, but I’m a bit shocked her mother was watching! What did she say?”
“Far as I can remember, it was just the usual “Baaaaaaaa”…
His neighbour Bryn decided to buy the field, but wanted to know why it was so special.
“Dai bach, I’m happy to buy it, but not at that price.”
“Bryn Bach, this place holds many memories for me. You see that fencepost over in the far left corner? That’s where I met my first girlfriend. You see the post in the far right? That’s where we made love for the very first time. The fencepost in the lower right was where her mum stood and watched.”
Bryn is somewhat startled by this revelation.
“Dai bach, I can see why the field is really special, but I’m a bit shocked her mother was watching! What did she say?”
“Far as I can remember, it was just the usual “Baaaaaaaa”…
Aug 3, 2023 18:09:19 #
A man was reading the newspaper during breakfast and said to his wife
"Look at this! Another beautiful actress is going to marry a professional athlete who's a total dope!
I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the hottest wives."
His wife said: “Thank you.”
"Look at this! Another beautiful actress is going to marry a professional athlete who's a total dope!
I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the hottest wives."
His wife said: “Thank you.”
Aug 3, 2023 11:31:30 #
An avid golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is... I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I can go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it, doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great," says the golfer. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch, and my putting has really improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in water colors.
"That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking, and every time I get an erection, I also get a headache.
"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is... I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I can go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it, doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great," says the golfer. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch, and my putting has really improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in water colors.
"That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking, and every time I get an erection, I also get a headache.
Aug 2, 2023 10:07:36 #
An oldie, but goodie...
A man and a woman who had never met before but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married'
'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own damned blanket.'
After a moment of silence, he farted.
The End.
A man and a woman who had never met before but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married'
'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own damned blanket.'
After a moment of silence, he farted.
The End.
Jul 30, 2023 18:41:34 #
The college professor started the class by telling them, "In veterinary medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving an animal's body."
For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger into the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and, sucked on it followed by assorted gagging, retching and spitting, etc.
When everyone had finished wiping their faces, the professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life is tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid by not paying attention."
For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger into the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and, sucked on it followed by assorted gagging, retching and spitting, etc.
When everyone had finished wiping their faces, the professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life is tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid by not paying attention."