5 am. Why am I up at this ridiculous hour? Who knows? Last day of work this week. I need a break. Get up knuckleheads and ding dongs. 56 today with some sun. Rain tomorrow.

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." - Groucho Marx.

Last day of 2020. Tough year for many. Did it bring out the best in us as people? Our worst? Do we care about anyone but us and what we want? You guys decide. Have a good one clones. Good luck in 2021.

Good health and happiness to all FS members in 2021.

A few years ago I was hauling ass on my motorcycle on a lonely, long road in Arizona I got pulled over by a State Trooper. He asked my name. I told him Scott. Just Scott, you have a last name? No sir, just Scott. I lost my last name. He was in a good mood and decided to humor me. What happened to your last name? Ok, it is a long story so stay with me.

I was born Scott Johnson. I studied hard, got good grades and decided to become a doctor. Went college and got my degree and became Scott Johnson MD. I became bored being a doctor and became a dentist, so I was Scott Johnson MD DDS. Dentistry was not my real calling so I fooled around with my Asst. and got VD.

So now I was Scott Johnson MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD and took away my license. Now I was Scott Johnson MD with VD. The AMA learned about the ADA, so they took away my license also, so then I became Scott Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, So now I am just Scott.

The magic of Southern speech is in the similes and metaphors and other allusions.

As country as Corn Flakes.
As slick as cat’s poop on linoleum.
As welcome as an outhouse breeze.
Knee deep and sinking fast.
Barefooted as a yard dog.
Better than a sharp stick in the eye.
Bleeding like a stuck pig.
Bowed up like a Banty rooster.
Brave as a bigamist.
Brave as the first man to eat an oyster.
Brave enough to eat in the boomtown saloon.
By the skin of my teeth.
Clean as a hound’s tooth.
Cooler than the other side of the pillow.
Country as a baked bean sandwich!
Dark as a sack of black cats.
Dark as the inside of a cow.
Deaf in one ear and can’t hear out of the other.
Even a blind man on a galloping horse could see it.
Flashy as a rat with a gold tooth.
Flatter than a fritter.
Forty going north.
Going at it like killing snakes.
Good enough for state work.
Green as a gourd.
Grinning like a possum eating a sweet potato.
He ain’t sawing logs, he’s clearing brush.
He looked like a pig on ice.
He talks like he’s got a mouthful of mush.
He thinks he’s the best thing since sliced bread.
He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow.
He was so fat it was easier to go over top of him than around him.
He was the turd in the punchbowl.
He’s so deaf, he can’t hear himself fart.
He’s so scared you couldn’t drive a wet watermelon seed up his butt with a sledge hammer.
He’s so thin-­skinned, it’s just barely enough to keep him from bleeding to death.
He’s scratched up worse than a blind berry picker.
He’s so country he thinks a seven-­course meal is a possum and a six-­pack.
Heavy as a boarding­house dumpling.
I bought it for a song and you can sing it yourself.
I don’t know her from Adam’s house­cat.
I was never like this until I was born.
I was stuck hub deep to a Ferris wheel.
I’m just hanging out like a hair in a biscuit.
I’m out like a fat kid in dodge­ball.
I’m prouder of that than a pup with his first flea.
It was hanging open like a pea-­coat sleeve.
It’s a right far piece from here.
It’s plain as a pig on a sofa.
It’s quieter than a mouse peeing on cotton.
It’s more than I can say grace over.
Just a hop skip and a jump.
Knee high to a grasshopper.
Like a garlic milkshake...smooth & strong.
Like a polecat at a camp meeting.
Like a popcorn fart in Hell.
Like a rooster in an empty hen­house.
Like a rubber nosed woodpecker in a petrified forest.
Long as a month of Sundays.
Looks like Hell with everyone out to lunch.
More fun than a sack full of kittens.
More than one way to skin a cat.
No higher than corn and no lower than taters.
Now we’re cookin’ with gas!
Over yonder at the edge of nothing.
Pert near, but not plumb.
Rough as a cob.
Rougher than a pulp wood truck in a cotton patch.
Scarce as a hen’s teeth.
Scarce as deviled eggs after a church picnic.
Scattered from Hell to breakfast.
From here to East Jesus.
Screamed like a mashed cat.
Sharper than a mother-­in-­law’s tongue.
She didn’t say “pea turkey squat.”
She was so tall she could hunt geese with a rake.
She’s so deaf, she can’t hear a fart in a jug.
Slapped him like a red­headed stepchild.
Slick as an eel.
Slick as snot on a goat’s glass eye.
Slicker than a chased greased hog.
Slicker than deer guts on a door knob.
Slicker than otter snot.
Slicker than snot and smashed bananas.
Smaller than a tick turd.
Smiling like a goat in a briar­-patch.
Smoother than a hairy chest on wax day.
So deep in jail he’ll have to be fed beans with a sling­shot!
So sore can’t touch it with a powder puff.
Sober as a judge.
Squirming like a worm in hot ashes.
Stout as a mule.
Strong as bear’s breath.
Stuck so badly I needed a four wheel drive helicopter to pull my truck out.
Tail up and stinger out.
Tender as a judge’s heart.
That is just the cat’s pajamas.
That kid ain’t knee­-high to a duck.
The personality of a dishrag.
There were so many people, you couldn’t stir ’em with a stick.
They could worry the horns off a billy goat.
They live so far out they have to pipe in sunshine.
They lived so far out in the country that the sun set between their house and town.
Thick as flies on a dog’s back.
Thicker than fiddlers in Hell.
Weak as dishwater.
We’re closer than two roaches on a bacon bit.
Whiter than a hound dog’s tooth.
Wound tighter than a three-day clock.
Written on the heel.
You can’t sling a cat without hitting one.