A beautiful poem by Pam Ayers

Oh,I wish I had looked after me dear old knockers
not flashed them to boys behind school lockers
or let them get fondled by randy old dockers
oh,I wish I had looked after me tits

cos now I,m much older and gravity's winning
it's natures revenge for all that sinning
and those memories are rapidly dwindling
oh,I wish I had looked after me tits

cos tits can be such troublesome things
when they no longer bounce,but dangle and swing
and though they go well with my bingo wings
I wish I had looked after me tits

when they're both long enough to tie in a bow
when it's not the "Sweet Chariot'that swings low
when they're less of a friend and more of a foe
then I wish I had looked after me tits

when I was young I got whistles and hoots
from the men on the site and the men in their suits
now me nipples get stuck in the zips on my boots
oh,I wish I had looked after me tits

when they follow behind and get trapped in the door
when they're less in the air and more on the floor
when people see less of them rather than more
oh,I wish I had looked after me tits



Now isn't that poem just downright truthful?????

PEOPLE OFTEN ASK,
WAS IT BLOOD, SWEAT AND TEARS,
THAT LED YOU TO BE MARRIED
FOR NEARLY 77 YEARS.

AND IS IT EXERCISE AND HARD WORK.
IS THAT HOW IT'S DONE,
TO LIVE A LONG LIFE,
TO BE ONE HUNDRED AND ONE.

THE ANSWER IS QUITE SIMPLE,
THERE WAS NEVER ANY FUSS,
IT WAS NEVER YOU OR I,
IT WAS ALWAYS JUST US.

WE EXPRESSED OUR LOVE FOR EACH OTHER.
EACH AND EVERY DAY,
AND WE CONTINUED TO DO THAT,
SINCE SHE PASSED AWAY.

WE TALK OF THE GOOD THINGS,
NEVER ANYTHING BAD,
WE PRAY TOGETHER EACH NIGHT,
THANKING GOD FOR WHAT WE HAD.

SO TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION,
ABOUT LIVING TO ONE HUNDRED AND ONE,
THE ANSWER IS "ATTITUDE",
THAT IS HOW IT'S DONE.

CHUCK MASSARA.

My Son turned me on to an App called OnX for locating access to public hunting lands for chasing various critters. He used it for an elk hunt in CO and we used it for an antelope hunt in SD. We also use it here in WI to scout for turkeys and deer. It shows boundaries of both public and private lands and also gives owners information as to whom to contact for permission. I see no reason why it would not be beneficial to those looking for fishing spots as well as access to waterways. It shows parking spots as well. You can mark waypoints, etc. I think it is worth checking out. I believe I paid $99 for a year for the national package as a Xmas gift for him, but I believe there are ways to minimize the cost for just your state. If Big Brother is watching us anyway, he may as well show us where we can go fishin?

\Fourchon, a a sout loosinan, was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.


The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.




Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopping. Four, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door .. Only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't running.




The car started moving slowly.Four looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. Four, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.




Shortly thereafter, Foursaw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it... Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.




A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying ... And wasn't drunk.


Suddenly, the door opened, and Eastern Oz and plumbob walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like Four, were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing Four
sobbing at the bar, Oz said to the plum
look plum .. there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!'

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.
- Groucho Marx


I have admired W.C. Fields since the day he advanced upon Baby LeRoy with an ice pick. Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.
- Leo Rosten


One bliss for which there is no match is when you itch to up and scratch.
- Ogden Nash


Only mediocrity can be trusted to be always at its best.
- Max Beerbohm


Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
- Albert Einstein


Sometimes a cigar is only a cigar.
- Sigmund Freud


The blind man is laughing at the bald head.
- Persian proverb


The net of the sleeper catches fish.
- Greek proverb


There ain't no answer. There ain't gonna be any answer. There never has been an answer. That's the answer.
- Gertrude Stein
Add to Favorite List

We are the people our parents warned us about.
- Graffiti
List

Worthless as wither'd weeds.
- Emily Bronte
e List

You must lose a fly to catch a trout.
- George Herbert


Rip van Winkle was lazy.
- Robert H. Gurney

pay me BF

well
I think they're funny
a man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes.

"Hmm," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down"

"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man.

"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.



4. An Old Guy Hits the Gym

BadFisherman was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing.

He asked the trainer that was nearby,

"What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I think you should try the ATM in the lobby."

-

with permission of my dear friend Bear K

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check
with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have
elapsed between his presenting the check and the
arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit
of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit,
has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief
window of opportunity, and also for debiting my
account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience
caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in
which this incident has caused me to rethink
my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas
I personally answer your telephone calls and letters,
--- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by
the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded,
faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal
with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore
and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will
arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally
and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom
you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act
for any other person to open such an envelope.


Please find attached an Application Contact which
I require your chosen employee to complete.


I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order
that I know as much about him or her as your bank
knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical
history must be countersigned by a Notary Public,
and the mandatory details of his/her financial
situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities)
must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue
your employee with a PIN number which he/she
must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits
but, again, I have modeled it on the number of
button presses required of me to access my
account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING,
PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me.

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password
to access my computer is required. Password will be
communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized
Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7 again

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact
will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.


While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example,
I must also levy an establishment fee to cover
the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly
less prosperous, New Year?

Your Humble Client

And remember: Don't make old people mad.
We don't like being old in the first place, so

it doesn't take much to piss us off.


BearK

* Never let a fool kiss you . . . or a kiss fool you
*You have brought Religion to my life . . . I now believed in Hell.
*I can keep secrets . . . but the people I tell, can't.
*Money can't buy happiness . . . but it's more comfortable to cry in a Rolls than in a Robin
*I distrust camels and . . . anyone else who can go a week without a drink
*99 percent of lawyers . . . give the rest a bad name
* What is the key to long life . . . surgery
* The Roman Empire fell . . . and those will too Honey
* If you don't get it . . . it's probably about you!
* Are people talking behind your back . . . fart.
* Follow your heart . . . but take your brain with you.
* Why is it that at class reunions . . . you feel younger than everyone else looks?
* The Rings of Saturn are composed entirely of . . . lost airline luggage.
* In Hollywood a marriage is a success . . . if it outlasts milk.
* The richer you get . . . the more expensive happiness becomes
* Love may be blind . . . but marriage is a an eye-opener
* Feeling mean . . . give a little child something useful for Christmas
* Well, today was a total waste of . . . makeup
* A boy is usually the kind of kid . . . his mother tells him not to play with.
* Fellows like him don't grow on trees . . . they usually swing from them.
* There are worse things than getting a wrong number call at 4 in the morning . . . it could be the right number
* The average person thinks . . . he isn’t
* Want a real good run for your money . . . eat prunes
* Hypochondria . . . is the only disease I haven't got.
* My wife dresses to kill . . . and cooks the same
* Everybody knows how to raise children . . . except the people who have them.
* There are no new sins . . . the old ones just get more publicity
* Money will buy a fine dog . . . only kindness will make him wag his tail
* I am free of all prejudices . . . I hate every one equally
* The sex was so good . . . even the neighbors had a cigarette
* Halloween yippee . . . inner bimbo . . . here we come
* Some people are alive . . . only because it's illegal to kill them
* Business conventions demonstrate . . . how many people a company can operate without
* The company you keep . . . becomes the character you reap
* In war it does not matter who is right . . . but who is left
* Knowledge is not what the pupil remembers . . . but what he cannot forget
* Talk is cheap . . . unless it involves your ex and her lawyer
* You're as useless as . . . a P in a Psycho.
* Your cooking is fabulous . . . the smoke alarm even cheers you on
* The only normal people you know . . . are the ones you don’t know very well
* I've reached the age where . . . 'happy hour' is a nap
* I sometimes think his only flair . . . is in his nostrils
* But for gravity . . . I'd be a high-flyer
* They say fight fire with fire . . . I got thrown out of the fire brigade
* Three minutes of fame maybe fleeting . . . but obscurity is forever
*
* What you do today is important . . . you are exchanging a day of you life for it
* They say love is blind . . . so why is lingerie so popular
* You're in a vehicle going the speed of light . . . what happens when you turn on the headlights
* The one who is talking to you about me today . . . is the one who will be talking to me about you tomorrow
* Life is short . . . smile while you still have teeth
* May all your troubles last only as long as . . . your New Year's resolutions
*Pay me BadFisherman

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing
me that I can have sex at 94. I'm so
happy, because I live at number 102. So it's
not too far to walk home afterwards.
And it's even on the same side of the street.
I don't even have to cross the road!






Answering machine message,
"I am not available right now,
but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call,
you are one of the changes."



~~~~~



Aspire to inspire before you expire.



~~~~~



My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.



~~~~~



Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.



~~~~~



Blessed are those who can give without remembering
and take without forgetting.



~~~~~



The irony of life is that, by the time you're old
enough to know your way around, you're
not going anywhere.



~~~~~



God made man before woman so as to give him time
to think of an answer for her first question.







I was always taught to respect my elders,
but it keeps getting harder to find one.



Pay me BadFisherman

one buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.


However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."

Well, here it is:

* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him
and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.

______________________________ ______________________________

* You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One
of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic
in bed."

That's Advertising.
______________________________ ______________________________

* You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his
telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Telemarketing.
______________________________ ______________________________

* You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him
and pour him a drink You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie,
brushing your breast lightly against his arm,
and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations.
______________________________ ______________________________

* You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says,
"I hear you're fantastic in bed."

That's Brand Recognition.
______________________________ ______________________________

*You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk
him into going home with your friend.

That's a Sales Rep.
______________________________ ______________________________

* Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

That's Tech Support.
______________________________ ______________________________

* You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be
handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of
one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm
fantastic in bed!"

That's Facebook.
______________________________ ______________________________

* You are at a party; this old man walks up to you and grabs
your ass.




______________________________ ______________________________

* You didn't mind it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you
were offended and you are awarded a settlement.

That's America

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed and just about ready to consummate their marriage when the new bride says to the husband: "I have a confession to make - I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yea... I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods the golfer?"

"Yeah."



"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."




The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to call room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone goes back to bed and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

There were three bulls named--plumbob, Oz and flyguy
The bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.



\Oz "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."



flyguy "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."


pluml: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."


Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.


Oz: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."


flyguy: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."



They look over at plum and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.


Oz: "Son, don't be foolish - let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."


plum: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a BULL."



grasshopper has assimilated his lessons well
of course he had an excellent teacher