Posts for: BadFisherman
Mar 2, 2024 17:00:47 #
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint 
”
“How can I help you
”, said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible”
Puzzled by her complaint the librarian asked, “What was wrong with it”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot”, said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."
”“How can I help you
”, said the librarian looking up at her.“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible
”Puzzled by her complaint the librarian asked, “What was wrong with it
”“It had way too many characters and there was no plot
”, said the blonde.The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."
Feb 13, 2024 19:42:13 #
saw1 wrote:
Well, I guess that's one way to define the difference. 😳😥
Maybe the lawyer wasn't as smart as he thought. 😫
Maybe the lawyer wasn't as smart as he thought. 😫
Oftentimes, they're not.
Feb 13, 2024 17:24:48 #
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer and is certain that he has a better education then any cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.
The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'
'What for?' says the lawyer...
The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'
The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
'The difference is you must come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats..
Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket... If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the sh*t out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'
The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'
'What for?' says the lawyer...
The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'
The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
'The difference is you must come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats..
Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket... If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the sh*t out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'
Feb 13, 2024 09:54:01 #
An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive European sports car. Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man. He yells,
"Look what you did to my car! You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"
"Oh my…" the old man said nervously. "I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son.” he said with hope. “He trains dolphins and he will know what to do."
"Dolphins!" the other driver huffed, while rolling his eyes.
The old man pulled out his phone, dialed his son, and just as his son answered, the irate man snatched the phone away from the old man.
"So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh?” The irate man yelled, “Well, your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need TEN GRAND right now, or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp!"
"I'll be there in 10 minutes." says the voice calmly on the other end.
Exactly 10 minutes later, a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road. When he finished, he walked over to his father and said,
"For the last time dad, I train Seals… Navy Seals. NOT dolphins!”
"Look what you did to my car! You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"
"Oh my…" the old man said nervously. "I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son.” he said with hope. “He trains dolphins and he will know what to do."
"Dolphins!" the other driver huffed, while rolling his eyes.
The old man pulled out his phone, dialed his son, and just as his son answered, the irate man snatched the phone away from the old man.
"So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh?” The irate man yelled, “Well, your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need TEN GRAND right now, or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp!"
"I'll be there in 10 minutes." says the voice calmly on the other end.
Exactly 10 minutes later, a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road. When he finished, he walked over to his father and said,
"For the last time dad, I train Seals… Navy Seals. NOT dolphins!”
Feb 10, 2024 10:46:14 #
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs,
"I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car - NOW!"
The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then
she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a frisbee, and two
12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her own car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.
The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
Moral of the story? If you're going to have a senior moment...make it memorable
"I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car - NOW!"
The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then
she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a frisbee, and two
12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her own car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.
The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
Moral of the story? If you're going to have a senior moment...make it memorable
Feb 3, 2024 18:12:20 #
A ventriloquist was performing one night. With his dummy on his knee, he started going through some of his classic dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the crowd stood up and called out:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a woman's hair color have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community. It's men like you who make others think that all blondes are dumb. And it’s your kind who perpetuate discrimination, not just against blondes, but against women in general, and all in the name of humor!"
The ventriloquist starred in shocked silence as he realized the truth of her words and then began to apologize for his thoughtlessness: “I am so sorry! It never, ever occurred to me that I was…” but the blonde just cut him off screaming angrily:
"You stay out of this. I'm talking to that little a**hole on your lap!"
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the crowd stood up and called out:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a woman's hair color have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community. It's men like you who make others think that all blondes are dumb. And it’s your kind who perpetuate discrimination, not just against blondes, but against women in general, and all in the name of humor!"
The ventriloquist starred in shocked silence as he realized the truth of her words and then began to apologize for his thoughtlessness: “I am so sorry! It never, ever occurred to me that I was…” but the blonde just cut him off screaming angrily:
"You stay out of this. I'm talking to that little a**hole on your lap!"
Jan 31, 2024 15:43:48 #
What is the “You Can’t Make This Up” moment in baseball history?
An exchange between Bob Uecker and Howard Cosell during a game...
….”Well Howard, I’m not sure you want to bunt here”…
Bob Uecker went on to explain why.
Howard Cosell responded,
…”Uecky, I get your point. But, you don’t have to be truculent. You do know what truculent means, don’t you?”….
Uecker didn’t miss a beat,
…..”Of course, Howard. If you have a truck and I borrow it, it would be truck-you-lent”…..
An exchange between Bob Uecker and Howard Cosell during a game...
….”Well Howard, I’m not sure you want to bunt here”…
Bob Uecker went on to explain why.
Howard Cosell responded,
…”Uecky, I get your point. But, you don’t have to be truculent. You do know what truculent means, don’t you?”….
Uecker didn’t miss a beat,
…..”Of course, Howard. If you have a truck and I borrow it, it would be truck-you-lent”…..
Jan 26, 2024 16:31:49 #
Two guys meet up in a bar. 🤣😂😅
The first one asks, “Did your hear the news – Mike is dead??!!!”
“Woah, what the hell happened to him?”
“Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom – He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof – Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.”
“What a horrible way to die!”
“No no, he survived that, that didn’t kill him at all. So, he’s landed in my upstairs bedroom and he’s all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He’s just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.”
“What a way to go, that’s terrible!”
“No no, that didn’t kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.”
“Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!”
“No no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that. So he’s on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him.”
“Man, what a way to go!”
“No no, he survived that, he survived that! He’s lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn’t mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him.”
“Now that is one awful way to go!”
“No no, he survived that…”
“Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?”
“I shot him!”
“You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?”
“He was wrecking my house.”
The first one asks, “Did your hear the news – Mike is dead??!!!”
“Woah, what the hell happened to him?”
“Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom – He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof – Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.”
“What a horrible way to die!”
“No no, he survived that, that didn’t kill him at all. So, he’s landed in my upstairs bedroom and he’s all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He’s just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.”
“What a way to go, that’s terrible!”
“No no, that didn’t kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.”
“Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!”
“No no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that. So he’s on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him.”
“Man, what a way to go!”
“No no, he survived that, he survived that! He’s lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn’t mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him.”
“Now that is one awful way to go!”
“No no, he survived that…”
“Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?”
“I shot him!”
“You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?”
“He was wrecking my house.”
Dec 12, 2023 20:31:29 #
Jeremy wrote:
Awesome BF. Got to really hear and see them. How you been doing?
Thanks, Jeremy. I've been having health problems involving diabetic complications.
Dec 12, 2023 10:44:12 #
What did Jimmy Carter and Ronald Reagan think of each other?
When the Carter P**********l Center opened in 1986, President Carter invited all living Presidents and ex-Presidents to attend. Nixon and Ford declined; Ronald Reagan accepted and gave one of the speeches at the opening ceremony. In that speech, he said:
None of us today need feel any urge, in the name of good will, to downplay our differences. On the contrary, in a certain sense we can be proud of our differences, because they arise from good will itself---for love of country; for concern for the challenges of our time; from respect for, and yes, even outright enjoyment of, the democratic processes of disagreement and debate. Today our very differences attest to the greatness of our nation. For I can think of no country on Earth where two political leaders could disagree so widely yet come together in mutual respect. To paraphrase Mr. Jefferson: We are all Democrats, we are all Republicans, because we are all Americans.
Reagan then went on to praise the accomplishments of the Carter Administration, focusing on race relations, science policy, and Carter’s emphasis on human rights. He concluded:
For myself, I can pay you no higher honor than to simply say this: You gave yourself to your country, gracing the White House with your passionate intellect and commitment. Now you have become a permanent part of that grand old house, so right in tradition, that belongs to us all.
And when President Reagan died, President Carter made this statement:
Rosalynn and I join millions of people around the world who mourn the loss of President Reagan. He was a formidable political campaigner, who provided an inspirational voice to America when our people were searching for a clear message of hope and confidence. He had unshakeable beliefs and was able to express them effectively, both in America and abroad. During the past 10 years, Rosalynn and I have often conveyed to Nancy Reagan our friendship and admiration for her own great service, not only to her husband but to our nation. We extend our condolences to the entire Reagan family during this time of grief.
It is hard to remember a time when our political leaders disagreed vehemently but maintained relationships of friendship and mutual respect. Carter and Reagan respected and admired each other; George H. W. Bush and Bill Clinton became close friends; and George W. Bush and Barack Obama remain quite close. Friendship across the aisle was the norm not so very long ago; I hope we get back to that.
When the Carter P**********l Center opened in 1986, President Carter invited all living Presidents and ex-Presidents to attend. Nixon and Ford declined; Ronald Reagan accepted and gave one of the speeches at the opening ceremony. In that speech, he said:
None of us today need feel any urge, in the name of good will, to downplay our differences. On the contrary, in a certain sense we can be proud of our differences, because they arise from good will itself---for love of country; for concern for the challenges of our time; from respect for, and yes, even outright enjoyment of, the democratic processes of disagreement and debate. Today our very differences attest to the greatness of our nation. For I can think of no country on Earth where two political leaders could disagree so widely yet come together in mutual respect. To paraphrase Mr. Jefferson: We are all Democrats, we are all Republicans, because we are all Americans.
Reagan then went on to praise the accomplishments of the Carter Administration, focusing on race relations, science policy, and Carter’s emphasis on human rights. He concluded:
For myself, I can pay you no higher honor than to simply say this: You gave yourself to your country, gracing the White House with your passionate intellect and commitment. Now you have become a permanent part of that grand old house, so right in tradition, that belongs to us all.
And when President Reagan died, President Carter made this statement:
Rosalynn and I join millions of people around the world who mourn the loss of President Reagan. He was a formidable political campaigner, who provided an inspirational voice to America when our people were searching for a clear message of hope and confidence. He had unshakeable beliefs and was able to express them effectively, both in America and abroad. During the past 10 years, Rosalynn and I have often conveyed to Nancy Reagan our friendship and admiration for her own great service, not only to her husband but to our nation. We extend our condolences to the entire Reagan family during this time of grief.
It is hard to remember a time when our political leaders disagreed vehemently but maintained relationships of friendship and mutual respect. Carter and Reagan respected and admired each other; George H. W. Bush and Bill Clinton became close friends; and George W. Bush and Barack Obama remain quite close. Friendship across the aisle was the norm not so very long ago; I hope we get back to that.
Dec 11, 2023 14:30:20 #
Still above water wrote:
There is a song about a guy who buys a used corvette and finds a letter in the glove box from the original owner who never made it home from Viet Nam. Wish I could remember the title . If anyone knows, please post the title. Saddest song ever. Also unchained melody by the Righteous Brothers.
I believe this is the one you're looking for - 'Riding With Private Malone', by David Ball...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZrxC1bns7E
Dec 11, 2023 14:16:51 #
Dec 10, 2023 16:15:25 #
Commander Bell wrote:
I just read that according to science the group Qu... (show quote)
Sad songs...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1K7wv311AQ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AuDrvibicWE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U9TByT3QlWc
Two of my favorite songs...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BuP1kMRyKOY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GWWLd7eKjpM
Dec 9, 2023 14:43:34 #
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce court judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
___________________________________________
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the emergency room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
___________________________________________
An old man goes to a wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
___________________________________________
How does one tell hillbilly medical records from any others?
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
___________________________________________
A blonde calls an airline and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
___________________________________________
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
___________________________________________
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
___________________________________________
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
___________________________________________
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'll never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
___________________________________________
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's here'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
___________________________________________
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the emergency room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
___________________________________________
An old man goes to a wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
___________________________________________
How does one tell hillbilly medical records from any others?
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
___________________________________________
A blonde calls an airline and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
___________________________________________
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
___________________________________________
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
___________________________________________
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
___________________________________________
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'll never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
___________________________________________
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's here'
Nov 4, 2023 19:55:20 #
GREAT NEWS