Posts for: BadFisherman.11
Jul 21, 2023 17:52:53 #
saw1 wrote:
Well, guess I'll never find out one way or another then. 
Maybe...maybe not, Saw. But, one can dream.
Jul 21, 2023 15:40:36 #
Not exactly a ‘joke’ but….
Dolly Parton was being interviewed on a radio show I listened to regularly.
Toward the end of the interview, the woman interviewer asked, “Btw, Ms. Parton, do blonde jokes bother you?”
Dolly replied, “Oh, no, honey. Anybody that knows me well knows I’m not stupid. And anyone that knows me REALLY well knows I’m not really a blonde.
Dolly Parton was being interviewed on a radio show I listened to regularly.
Toward the end of the interview, the woman interviewer asked, “Btw, Ms. Parton, do blonde jokes bother you?”
Dolly replied, “Oh, no, honey. Anybody that knows me well knows I’m not stupid. And anyone that knows me REALLY well knows I’m not really a blonde.
Jul 12, 2023 10:03:07 #
(Main)
https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/maryland-angler-s-massive-snakehead-could-break-world-record/ar-AA1dJhGQ?ocid=msedgdhp&pc=U531&cvid=2c75c5e82f274264b05f4f4827ff0771&ei=41
Jul 11, 2023 07:47:10 #
Anyone who has had a sick pet knows that at one time or another, they will put up some resistance when it comes time to give them their medicine. I mean, even humans resist, and they know it’s good for them!
This particular story has been circulating the internet for years and explains step-by-step the differences between how to give your cat a pill and how to give one to your dog. I’m sure many pet parents will identify with this in one way or another!
How to Give Your Cat a Pill...
1) Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill in mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paw. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13) Tie the little bastard’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it.
Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from Hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How to Give a Dog a Pill...
1) Wrap it in bacon and toss it in the air.
This particular story has been circulating the internet for years and explains step-by-step the differences between how to give your cat a pill and how to give one to your dog. I’m sure many pet parents will identify with this in one way or another!
How to Give Your Cat a Pill...
1) Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill in mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paw. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13) Tie the little bastard’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it.
Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from Hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How to Give a Dog a Pill...
1) Wrap it in bacon and toss it in the air.
Jul 11, 2023 07:24:34 #
An Englishman, Scotsman, Welshman, and Irishman are captured by the Afghan Taliban and sentenced to death by firing squad.
Before being shot they are asked if they have any last requests:
The Welshman says “Before I die, I would like to hear 1000 Welsh voices singing ‘Land of my Fathers’”.
The Irishman says “Before I die, I would like to see 1000 Irish dancers performing ‘Riverdance’”.
The Scotsmen says “Before I die, I would like to hear 1000 bagpipes playing ‘Scotland the Brave’”.
“And you, English pig! What is your last request?”
“For God's sake, please shoot me first!”
Before being shot they are asked if they have any last requests:
The Welshman says “Before I die, I would like to hear 1000 Welsh voices singing ‘Land of my Fathers’”.
The Irishman says “Before I die, I would like to see 1000 Irish dancers performing ‘Riverdance’”.
The Scotsmen says “Before I die, I would like to hear 1000 bagpipes playing ‘Scotland the Brave’”.
“And you, English pig! What is your last request?”
“For God's sake, please shoot me first!”
Jul 9, 2023 15:46:39 #
A few days after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a New England man answered his door to find two grim-faced Coastguard officers...
"We're sorry Mr. Grover, but we have some information about your wife".
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Mr. Grover asked.
One officer said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news"
Fearing the worst, Mr. Grover said, "Give me the bad news first."
The officer said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."
"That's horrible!" exclaimed Grover. What could possibly be the good news?"
The officer continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best-looking lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 60's, and we feel you are entitled to a share of the catch."
Stunned, Mr. Grover demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"
The officer replied..."We're gon'na pull her up again tomorrow."
"We're sorry Mr. Grover, but we have some information about your wife".
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Mr. Grover asked.
One officer said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news"
Fearing the worst, Mr. Grover said, "Give me the bad news first."
The officer said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."
"That's horrible!" exclaimed Grover. What could possibly be the good news?"
The officer continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best-looking lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 60's, and we feel you are entitled to a share of the catch."
Stunned, Mr. Grover demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"
The officer replied..."We're gon'na pull her up again tomorrow."
Jul 8, 2023 19:58:58 #
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY," where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Key."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, though, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
She said, "No point asking about the beard then."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, though, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
She said, "No point asking about the beard then."
Jul 8, 2023 14:12:09 #
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 x 5c coins to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the coins but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,
"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No,” the woman replied. "I work for the IRS."
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,
"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No,” the woman replied. "I work for the IRS."
Jul 7, 2023 11:40:55 #
A few years ago, an adult young man seeing out from the train’s window shouted…
“Dad, look the trees are going behind us!”
As his Dad smiled, a young couple sitting nearby, looked at the young man’s childish behavior with pity, when suddenly he again exclaimed…
“Dad, look the clouds are running with us!”
The couple couldn’t resist and said to the old man…
“Why don’t you take your son to see a good doctor?”
The old man smiled and said…
“I did. We are returning from the eye hospital clinic. My son was blind from birth and is just gaining his vision.”
Remember: Don’t judge people before you truly know them. The truth might surprise you.
“Dad, look the trees are going behind us!”
As his Dad smiled, a young couple sitting nearby, looked at the young man’s childish behavior with pity, when suddenly he again exclaimed…
“Dad, look the clouds are running with us!”
The couple couldn’t resist and said to the old man…
“Why don’t you take your son to see a good doctor?”
The old man smiled and said…
“I did. We are returning from the eye hospital clinic. My son was blind from birth and is just gaining his vision.”
Remember: Don’t judge people before you truly know them. The truth might surprise you.Jul 5, 2023 23:38:52 #
DCGravity wrote:
BF - from your detailed description of the class syllabus, it sounds like you're a grizzled alumnus several times over!
"Grizzled", I am.
Jul 5, 2023 17:53:29 #
Provided by WICOE - (Women In Charge Of Everything)
Is proud to announce the opening of its EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN! - OPEN TO MEN ONLY, ALL ARE WELCOME
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants
The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:
DAY ONE...
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS - Step by step guide with slide presentation
TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS? - Roundtable discussion
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR - Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)
DISHES & SILVERWARE - DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.
REMOTE CONTROL - Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups.
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS - Starting with looking in the right place, instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
Open forum
DAY TWO
EMPTY MILK CARTONS: DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN? - Group discussion and role play
HEALTH WATCH - BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation: REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation
LIVING WITH ADULTS.
BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE.
Bring your calendar or PDA to class.
GETTING OVER IT - LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME.
Individual counsellors available.
Is proud to announce the opening of its EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN! - OPEN TO MEN ONLY, ALL ARE WELCOME
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants
The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:
DAY ONE...
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS - Step by step guide with slide presentation
TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS? - Roundtable discussion
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR - Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)
DISHES & SILVERWARE - DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.
REMOTE CONTROL - Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups.
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS - Starting with looking in the right place, instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
Open forum
DAY TWO
EMPTY MILK CARTONS: DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN? - Group discussion and role play
HEALTH WATCH - BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation: REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation
LIVING WITH ADULTS.
BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE.
Bring your calendar or PDA to class.
GETTING OVER IT - LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME.
Individual counsellors available.
Jul 5, 2023 13:58:45 #
Bcmech1 wrote:
Some people look at something and say, Why. I look at the same thing and say, Why not.
Guess I'm just different that way.
Guess I'm just different that way.
Hmmm... quote from Ted Kennedy's eulogy about his brother RFK's outlook on life 
....."Some men see things as they are and ask, “”Why?”” I dream things that never were and ask, “”Why not
””Jul 5, 2023 11:18:58 #
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are going dead
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the 'lisp'
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always clear
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat
Why
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the 'lisp'
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always clear
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat
Why
Jul 5, 2023 10:24:11 #
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack & was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked, “Is my time up ?”
God said, “No, you have another 34 years to live.”
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital & have a face-lift surgery, liposuction, & tummy tuck. She even changed her hair color
Finally she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the road on her way home, she was killed by a truck.
Arriving in front of God, she asked,
“You said I had another 34 years to live.
Why didn’t you save me from truck?"
God replied:
“Well, I didn’t recognize you!”
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked, “Is my time up ?”
God said, “No, you have another 34 years to live.”
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital & have a face-lift surgery, liposuction, & tummy tuck. She even changed her hair color
Finally she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the road on her way home, she was killed by a truck.
Arriving in front of God, she asked,
“You said I had another 34 years to live.
Why didn’t you save me from truck?"
God replied:
“Well, I didn’t recognize you!”
Jul 5, 2023 10:21:32 #
Four old retired men were walking down a street in London. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - All drinks, $1." They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis—shaken, not stirred—and says, "That'll be $1 each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the $4, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's $4, please." They pay the $4, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and hadn't yet spent $10.
Finally, one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a $1 apiece?"
"I'm a retired tailor," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs $1 - wine, liquor, beer - it's all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says. As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're from Scotland. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis—shaken, not stirred—and says, "That'll be $1 each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the $4, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's $4, please." They pay the $4, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and hadn't yet spent $10.
Finally, one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a $1 apiece?"
"I'm a retired tailor," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs $1 - wine, liquor, beer - it's all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says. As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're from Scotland. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."