kandy's dog,a "schnauzer"developed hearing problems.
So kandy took her pet to the Veterinarian.The Vet found that the hair in the dog's ears had matted and was making it difficult for him to hear.
So the Vet cleaned the dogs ears out and the Schnauzer could hear fine.
Then the Vet told kandy that if she wanted to stop this from recurring,to buy some "Nair"hair remover and rub it in the dogs ears at least once a month.
So kandy went to the pharmacy and bought a big bottle of "Nair"
The pharmacist told her"If you are going to use this under your arms,,don't use deodorant for a few days"
kandy replied"I'm not going to use it under my arms."
Then the pharmacist said"Okay,then if you are going to use it on your legs,you shouldn't use body lotion for a few days".
kandy then said"I'm not going to use it on my legs nor under my arms.If you must know,I'm going to use it on my schnauzer1"
The pharmacist replied"Well then,you shouldn't ride your bicycle for at least a week!!!"

BF and Fourwere inseparable friends
They met at least once a week in the park and sat on the same bench,swapping stories of BF's time in the Marines,of Fours fabulous fishing expiditions,and telling lies about playing poker with Swabbies
Them one day BF approached the park bench where they always sat,but Four wasn't there.
Well BF just figured the old fella was just under the weather,and thought that Four would be there next Saturday,
but again Four didn't show.So BF called Fours's lovely wife and asked about Four.
Alas,Four's wife,answered in tears." I haven't seen my dear husband in over a week or two!"
BF kept returning to the park bench ,but Four never showed.
BF sadly figured that Father Time had caught up with the old fisherman.
Six weeks later as BF sat on the park bench he noticed this old limping man approaching the bench,
Lo and behold ,it was Four in the flesh.!

(evidently Four had gone home before coming to the park.as the blood,bruises and limping attested)

BF anxiously asked Four;"My God,what happened to you,and.where have you been"?
Four replied"Well ,I've been in jail"!
"What in the world for ?"inquired BF
Four said;"You know that cute lil blonde with the big boobs,that works in the coffee shop"?
"Uhuh",said BF;I,ve certainly noticed her"
"Well",replied Four"She accused me of rape"! and they locked me up.
"What happened then"asked BF
"When I went before the Judge,he asked me how I pled,guilty or not guilty.
I said "Guilty as sin ,your Honor",
,and he gave me 6 weeks for perjury"!!!

A few years ago kandydisbar sat at the breakfast table listening to the weather report
"Breaking news for this area.A blizzard will hit this city to night bringing 8 to 10 inches of snow.Please park your cars on the left side of the street,so the snow plows can clear a lane for traffic on the right"
kandy immediately rushed out and parked her car on the left side of the street.
three weeks later,kandy again at her breakfast table watching the weather""Breaking news another blizzard is due to hit this city today,bringing a total of 10 to twelve inches of snow.
please park your car on the right side of the street so the snow plows can clear a path for traffic on the left"
kandy obediently rushed out and parked her car on the right side of the street
three weeks later,kandy is at her breakfast table listening to the weather
"Breaking news,a blizzard will hit this city at noon today,bringing 10 to 14 inches of snow.
Please park your cars on-------
just then the power failed
kandy wringing her hands exclaimed'Oh,gosh,what am I gonna do?I don't know which side of the street to park on"!!
Then her husband gently toldkandy
"Honey,why not just leave it in the garage this time?"
m

After serving his country in the Marines
BF studied endlessly and passed the bar as a lawyer
Defending Fourchon(a notorious ,light fingered thief) on a charge of burglary,
BF came up with this creative defense

'My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles
now ,his arm is not the whole individual,and you must not punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his arm!'(This is typical Jarheaded thinkin)

'Well BF,'replied the judge'that is the most unique defense I have ever heard.
now using your logic,I sentence the defendants(Fourchon) arm to two years in prison
The defendant can accompany the arm ,or not,as he so chooses!!'

BadBobby, a natural tree-hugger, spent many years living in a forested area.

As BB grew older and older, he started losing his hair. Then, one day he noticed that he had become completely bald. On that very day, he decided to call a meeting with his children.

The Ol' Feller said, “Look at my scalp. I used to have such a magnificent growth of hair, but now it’s completely gone. My hair couldn’t be saved. I want you to look at the area around my home. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees. However, sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as barren as my head.”

“What I want you to do,” FS's resident guru continued, “is that, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.”

So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, BB's children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest would remain as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of BadBobby and his re-seeding heir-line.

BadBobby was about to enter a bar when a dog tugged at his trouser leg and said to him, "Hey, pal! Wanna make some quick money?"

BB couldn't believe his ears. He said to the dog, "You can talk!"

"Yeah," the dog answered, "and that's how we can pick up some easy money. You take me into the bar with you, pretend I'm your dog, and bet everybody I can talk."

The Ancient Mariner thought that was a great idea, so he took the dog into the bar, sat it on the bar, and announced to everyone that the dog could talk. The other patrons didn't believe him, and it wasn't long before several thousand dollars had been bet. Finally, after all the bets had been placed, BB said to the dog, "All right, go ahead and say something."

Nothing.

BB told the dog again, "Hey! All the bets are placed! Say something, for God's sake!"

The dog just looked at him and whined.

BB asked again and again, but the dog wouldn't say a word. Finally, the Ol' Feller had to pay all the bets, and scooped up the dog in disgust and walked out. Once outside, he screamed at the dog, "You just cost me way over a thousand dollars! You got anything to say before I seriously boot your mangy arse?"

"Take it easy, pal! You ain't thinkin'," the dog answered. "Tomorrow night, we'll be able to get odds of 5 to 1 or better, and you can pay off a portion of your poker debts to Marine buddies."

Man arrives home to be met at the door by his wife
crying,she blurted""that damned pharmacist insulted me,even after I had to call multiple times before he even answered his phone.I want you to go down there and demand that he apologize to me!"
So the man goes to the pharmacy and confronts the pharmacist and demands an explanation and an apology
But the pharmacist says"Please ,just let me tell you about my morning!To start the day,my alarm clock failed to go off,so I was late getting up.Being so late,I skipped breakfast and hurried to my car,only to find that I had locked both my car and house keys inside the house
I had to break a window to get inside and retrieve my keys.Then because I was so late I was driving too fast and got a speeding ticket.
Then three blocks from my store I had a blow-out.When I finally arrived at my store ,there was a line of folks waiting for me to open.
I started waiting on the customers and all the time the damn phone was ringing off the wall,so I said excuse me please,and answered the damn phone.But whoever it was had hung up.So I started waiting on the customers again and the damned phone started ringing again,Asking a customer to please wait just a minute ,I hurried to the phone,but before I could say Hello,whoever was calling hung up.
Then making change for a customer,I broke a roll of quarters on the cash register drawer,and they spilled all over the floor,and that damned phone starts ringing again,Getting on my hands and knees to pick up the quarters,I cracked my head on the cash register drawer when rising up,which caused me to stagger back against a showcase with perfume bottles on it.Half of them fell to the floor and broke,and that damned phone was ringing off the wall.
I finally staggered over to answer it.It was your wife --she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer
Believe me mister ,all I did was tell her!!!!

BadBobby walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The Ol' Feller said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

BB, seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the Ancient Mariner stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said BadBobby, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

Read this one from a 15 year old.



















Lord's Prayer







By a 15-year-old school kid who got an A+ for this entry !
















The Lord's Prayer is not allowed in most U.S. Public schools any more.







A kid in Minnesota wrote the following NEW School Prayer:-
















~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~







Now I sit me down in school







Where praying is against the rule







For this great nation under God







Finds mention of Him very odd







If scripture now the class recites,







It violates the Bill of Rights.







And anytime my head I bow







Becomes a Federal matter now
















Our hair can be purple, orange or green,







That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.







The law is specific, the law is precise.







Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice
















For praying in a public hall







Might offend someone with no faith at all.







In silence alone we must meditate,







God's name is prohibited by the State.















We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,







And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.







They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.







To quote the Good Book makes me liable.
















We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,







And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.







It's 'inappropriate' to teach right from wrong.







We're taught that such 'judgments' do not belong.
















We can get our condoms and birth controls,







Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.







But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,







No word of God must reach this crowd.

























It's scary here I must confess,







When chaos reigns the school's a mess.







So, Lord, this silent plea I make:







Should I be shot; My soul please take!
















Amen
















If you aren't ashamed to do this, Please pass this on.







Jesus said, 'If you are ashamed of me,







I will be ashamed of you before my Father!
















~~~~~~~~~AWESOME~~~~~~~~~~







Not ashamed. Passing it on!

stuco--Hello,may I speak to Mr P---"

bbr--Whose calling?

stuco--This Is stuco,you have been selected to receive absolutely free a-blah,blah,blah--

bb--Let me ask you something stuco,Did you know Mr p well,were you friends?

stuco--Oh, no sir,You don't understand,I'm just calling to---

bb--(interrupting)Hold on a minute stuco.Let me bring you up to speed.You have called a homicide investigation(Hey guys,be sure you get those pictures and dust everything for prints)
Now stuco I want to ask you a few questions.First,where were you on Fri ,21st between 8 and 10?And what was the nature of your relationship with Mr P?

stuco-- I had no relationship with him,I'm really sorry to have bothered you,so I'll just get off the line

bb--Hold on stuco,unless you want to be charged with obstruction of a murder investigation,I suggest you just keep your butt on this line until I say you can get off

stuco--But you don't understand,I'm just calling to--

bbr--(interrupting)No stuco ,you don't understand,it is imperative that you keep your butt on this line.Do I make myself clear?

stuco--Would you please talk to my supervisor"

bb--I'll get to your supervisor later.Now ,where are you?

stucor--I'm at work

bb--you're at work?


stuco--yes sir

bb--Are you being sassy with me??

stuco--Nosir,I'm not

bb--Then let me put it this way stuco,If I wanted to send you a letter just where would I send it to make sure your butt gets it"\??Now,where the hell is your work?

stuco-- 40,west Central,Boise,Idaho

bb--Now tell me again,what was your relationship with Mr P?

stuco-- I have no relationship with him


bb--Hold on a second stuco(Hey Tom get me the Boise,Idaho state police on the line,tell them we are holding stuco--What did you say your last name was?


stuco-- Evans

bb-- Oh yeah,tellem we're holding stuco Evans as a material witness in a murder investigation

stuco--Oh,my God!!!

bb--Now don't get your drawers in a bind stuco,it;s just a formality.Now ,that being said,as you well know Mr P was a flaming homosexual.Now this is my question,are you telling the truth here?
Tell me how you know Mr P

stuco--I didn't know Mr P,sir

bb --Were you his lover boy stuco??Were you ever here in his home?

Now don't let me upset you stuco,but I have to ask these questions

stuco--I'm uncomfortable with these questions sir.I have never been in his house

bb--Then you would meet him somewhere else,is that right?

stuco No sir,I never met him,I'm only calling to try to make a sale

bb--Tell me again stuco,where were you on Friday,the 21st,between 8 and 10 pm?


stuco--at home with my family

bb--just once again stuco,were you Mr p's gay lover?

stuco-What kind of a question is that.of course I'm not,I have a wife and kids

bb--Okay stuco,I'll play it your way,I know that a lot of you homos are still in the closet.I'm not saying I haven't thought about it myself.you know,take a little trip to LA,have a coupla drinks,find a cute lil Mexican Midget--

stuco--This is absolutely asinine

bb--hangs up


stuco--Hello,hello???





Welcome back to the Stage stuco--I missed you

This happens just a few years in the future




BadFisherman is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after dinner, BF goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.



One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, BF turns to Mildred and asks, 'Do you know what I miss most of all?'



She asks, 'What?

Sex!!' he replies.



Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!'



'I know,' BF says, but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.'



Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood (or what's left of it) and proceeds to hold it.



Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit

and talk and Mildred would hold BF's manhood.



Then one night BF didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find BF and make sure he was O.K.



She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding BFs manhood!



Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing son of a bitch! What does Ethel have that I

don't have?'



Old BF smiled happily and replied, 'Parkinson's.'