One Liners

I used to be able to do cartwheels. Now I tip over putting on my underwear.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes - so she hugged me.

She says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen and something else.

The officer said, "You drinking?" I said, "You buying?" We just laughed and laughed. I need bail money.

I think the reason we are born with two hands is so we can pet two dogs at once.

Day 12 without chocolate. Lost hearing in my left eye.

Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.

A dog accepts you as the boss. A cat wants to see your resume.

Oops, did I roll my eyes out loud?

Life is too short to waste time matching socks.

Wi-Fi went down for five minutes, so I had to talk to my Wife. She seems nice.

I won't be impressed with technology until I can download food.

Some people call me crazy. I prefer happy with a twist.

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."
Hack🇺🇸🇺🇦
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

Measure once, cuss twice.

My dream job would be driving the karma bus.

THINK! (It's not illegal ... YET)

I don't care who dies in a movie, as long as the dog lives.

The world's best antidepressant has four legs, a wagging tail and comes with unconditional love.

Love is how excited your dog gets when you come home.

I've reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me.

If you're happy and you know it, it's your meds.

One Liners

I used to be able to do cartwheels. Now I tip over putting on my underwear.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes - so she hugged me.

She says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen and something else.

The officer said, "You drinking?" I said, "You buying?" We just laughed and laughed. I need bail money.

I think the reason we are born with two hands is so we can pet two dogs at once.

Day 12 without chocolate. Lost hearing in my left eye.

Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.

A dog accepts you as the boss. A cat wants to see your resume.

Oops, did I roll my eyes out loud?

Life is too short to waste time matching socks.

Wi-Fi went down for five minutes, so I had to talk to my Wife. She seems nice.

I won't be impressed with technology until I can download food.

Some people call me crazy. I prefer happy with a twist.

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."
Hack🇺🇸🇺🇦
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

Measure once, cuss twice.

My dream job would be driving the karma bus.

THINK! (It's not illegal ... YET)

I don't care who dies in a movie, as long as the dog lives.

The world's best antidepressant has four legs, a wagging tail and comes with unconditional love.

Love is how excited your dog gets when you come home.

I've reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me.

If you're happy and you know it, it's your meds.

One Liners

I used to be able to do cartwheels. Now I tip over putting on my underwear.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes - so she hugged me.

She says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen and something else.

The officer said, "You drinking?" I said, "You buying?" We just laughed and laughed. I need bail money.

I think the reason we are born with two hands is so we can pet two dogs at once.

Day 12 without chocolate. Lost hearing in my left eye.

Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.

A dog accepts you as the boss. A cat wants to see your resume.

Oops, did I roll my eyes out loud?

Life is too short to waste time matching socks.

Wi-Fi went down for five minutes, so I had to talk to my Wife. She seems nice.

I won't be impressed with technology until I can download food.

Some people call me crazy. I prefer happy with a twist.

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."
Hack🇺🇸🇺🇦
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

Measure once, cuss twice.

My dream job would be driving the karma bus.

THINK! (It's not illegal ... YET)

I don't care who dies in a movie, as long as the dog lives.

The world's best antidepressant has four legs, a wagging tail and comes with unconditional love.

Love is how excited your dog gets when you come home.

I've reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me.

If you're happy and you know it, it's your meds.

One Liners

I used to be able to do cartwheels. Now I tip over putting on my underwear.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes - so she hugged me.

She says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen and something else.

The officer said, "You drinking?" I said, "You buying?" We just laughed and laughed. I need bail money.

I think the reason we are born with two hands is so we can pet two dogs at once.

Day 12 without chocolate. Lost hearing in my left eye.

Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.

A dog accepts you as the boss. A cat wants to see your resume.

Oops, did I roll my eyes out loud?

Life is too short to waste time matching socks.

Wi-Fi went down for five minutes, so I had to talk to my Wife. She seems nice.

I won't be impressed with technology until I can download food.

Some people call me crazy. I prefer happy with a twist.

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."
Hack🇺🇸🇺🇦
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

Measure once, cuss twice.

My dream job would be driving the karma bus.

THINK! (It's not illegal ... YET)

I don't care who dies in a movie, as long as the dog lives.

The world's best antidepressant has four legs, a wagging tail and comes with unconditional love.

Love is how excited your dog gets when you come home.

I've reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me.

If you're happy and you know it, it's your meds.

One Liners

I used to be able to do cartwheels. Now I tip over putting on my underwear.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes - so she hugged me.

She says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen and something else.

The officer said, "You drinking?" I said, "You buying?" We just laughed and laughed. I need bail money.

I think the reason we are born with two hands is so we can pet two dogs at once.

Day 12 without chocolate. Lost hearing in my left eye.

Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.

A dog accepts you as the boss. A cat wants to see your resume.

Oops, did I roll my eyes out loud?

Life is too short to waste time matching socks.

Wi-Fi went down for five minutes, so I had to talk to my Wife. She seems nice.

I won't be impressed with technology until I can download food.

Some people call me crazy. I prefer happy with a twist.

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."
Hack🇺🇸🇺🇦
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

Measure once, cuss twice.

My dream job would be driving the karma bus.

THINK! (It's not illegal ... YET)

I don't care who dies in a movie, as long as the dog lives.

The world's best antidepressant has four legs, a wagging tail and comes with unconditional love.

Love is how excited your dog gets when you come home.

I've reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me.

If you're happy and you know it, it's your meds.

One Liners

I used to be able to do cartwheels. Now I tip over putting on my underwear.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes - so she hugged me.

She says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen and something else.

The officer said, "You drinking?" I said, "You buying?" We just laughed and laughed. I need bail money.

I think the reason we are born with two hands is so we can pet two dogs at once.

Day 12 without chocolate. Lost hearing in my left eye.

Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.

A dog accepts you as the boss. A cat wants to see your resume.

Oops, did I roll my eyes out loud?

Life is too short to waste time matching socks.

Wi-Fi went down for five minutes, so I had to talk to my Wife. She seems nice.

I won't be impressed with technology until I can download food.

Some people call me crazy. I prefer happy with a twist.

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."
Hack🇺🇸🇺🇦
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

Measure once, cuss twice.

My dream job would be driving the karma bus.

THINK! (It's not illegal ... YET)

I don't care who dies in a movie, as long as the dog lives.

The world's best antidepressant has four legs, a wagging tail and comes with unconditional love.

Love is how excited your dog gets when you come home.

I've reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me.

If you're happy and you know it, it's your meds.

One Liners

I used to be able to do cartwheels. Now I tip over putting on my underwear.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes - so she hugged me.

She says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen and something else.

The officer said, "You drinking?" I said, "You buying?" We just laughed and laughed. I need bail money.

I think the reason we are born with two hands is so we can pet two dogs at once.

Day 12 without chocolate. Lost hearing in my left eye.

Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.

A dog accepts you as the boss. A cat wants to see your resume.

Oops, did I roll my eyes out loud?

Life is too short to waste time matching socks.

Wi-Fi went down for five minutes, so I had to talk to my Wife. She seems nice.

I won't be impressed with technology until I can download food.

Some people call me crazy. I prefer happy with a twist.

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."
Hack🇺🇸🇺🇦
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

Measure once, cuss twice.

My dream job would be driving the karma bus.

THINK! (It's not illegal ... YET)

I don't care who dies in a movie, as long as the dog lives.

The world's best antidepressant has four legs, a wagging tail and comes with unconditional love.

Love is how excited your dog gets when you come home.

I've reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me.

If you're happy and you know it, it's your meds.