few funnies
May 12, 2021 11:35:58 #
An older couple wakes up in the morning and the husband looks over at his wife and says, ” Wow! You wouldn’t believe the dream I had…”
The wife replies, “Yes, go on tell me.”
So the husband says “I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married.”
The wife says, “Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare.”
The husband says, “No, I am sure it was a dream.”
An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout “PRAISE THE LORD!”
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout: “There ain’t no Lord!!”
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted “PRAISE THE LORD! GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!”
The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted: “PRAISE THE LORD!!”
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said: “Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, not God.”
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said: “PRAISE THE LORD! Not only that He sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!”
Mrs. Applebee, the 6th-grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her classes:
“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?”
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher called on Little Johnny for his answer.
With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Johnny answered, “A lawyer!”
NASA was interviewing professionals they were planning on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one way trip, the guy would never return to Earth.
The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going.
“One million dollars”, the engineer answered. “And I want to donate it all to my alma mater — Rice University.”
The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question.
“Two millions dollars”, the doctor said. “I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear: “Three million dollars.”
“Why so much more than the others?”, the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied: “You give me three million, I’ll give you one million, I’ll keep a million, and we’ll send the engineer.”
Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbour.
They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.
As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn’t bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.
A few minutes later, a drunkard on his way from a bar, passed near the cemetery gate & heard a voice saying: “One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you.”
He immediately sobered up & ran as fast as he could to a church nearby, for the priest
“Father, please come with me. Come & witness God & Satan sharing corpses at the cemetery”
They both ran back to the cemetery gate & the voice continued: “One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you.”
Suddenly, the voice stopped counting & said: “What about the two at the gate?”
The wife replies, “Yes, go on tell me.”
So the husband says “I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married.”
The wife says, “Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare.”
The husband says, “No, I am sure it was a dream.”
An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout “PRAISE THE LORD!”
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout: “There ain’t no Lord!!”
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted “PRAISE THE LORD! GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!”
The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted: “PRAISE THE LORD!!”
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said: “Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, not God.”
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said: “PRAISE THE LORD! Not only that He sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!”
Mrs. Applebee, the 6th-grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her classes:
“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?”
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher called on Little Johnny for his answer.
With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Johnny answered, “A lawyer!”
NASA was interviewing professionals they were planning on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one way trip, the guy would never return to Earth.
The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going.
“One million dollars”, the engineer answered. “And I want to donate it all to my alma mater — Rice University.”
The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question.
“Two millions dollars”, the doctor said. “I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear: “Three million dollars.”
“Why so much more than the others?”, the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied: “You give me three million, I’ll give you one million, I’ll keep a million, and we’ll send the engineer.”
Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbour.
They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.
As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn’t bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.
A few minutes later, a drunkard on his way from a bar, passed near the cemetery gate & heard a voice saying: “One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you.”
He immediately sobered up & ran as fast as he could to a church nearby, for the priest
“Father, please come with me. Come & witness God & Satan sharing corpses at the cemetery”
They both ran back to the cemetery gate & the voice continued: “One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you.”
Suddenly, the voice stopped counting & said: “What about the two at the gate?”
May 12, 2021 12:05:57 #
May 12, 2021 12:11:33 #
EZ Fishing
Loc: College Ward, Utah
Ronniejw wrote:
An older couple wakes up in the morning and the hu... (show quote)
Very funny still laughing thanks.
May 12, 2021 13:03:33 #
May 12, 2021 17:34:11 #
May 12, 2021 17:41:17 #
Not only good ones, but fresh ones that I have not heard before. Just Sayin...RJS
May 13, 2021 18:19:06 #
May 13, 2021 18:46:27 #
May 13, 2021 20:26:21 #
May 13, 2021 21:41:55 #
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