Todays jokes
Feb 16, 2021 10:31:42 #
A man goes to the doctor and says ‘Doctor, there’s a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom’.
The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.
The man asks ‘Is it serious, doctor?’ and the doctor replies ‘I’m sorry to tell you but this is just the tip of the iceberg’.
This guy is walking past a wooden fence. On the other side of the fence is an asylum.
The inmates are all screaming at the tops of their lungs, “Thirteen Thirteen THIRTEEN ”
The guy notices a small hole in the fence and his curiosity naturally gets the better of him. He takes a peek and a finger suddenly pops out and jabs him in the eye.
He yells in pain as the inmates start shouting, “Fourteen Fourteen FOURTEEN “
A young Greek man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.” The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, “Okay, Ma, guess which one I’m going to marry.”
She immediately replies, “The one on the right.”
“That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right. How did you know?”
The Greek mother replies “I don’t like her.”
Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the centre of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.
The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, “I hate playing with your Dad.”
Three construction workers
are sitting at the top of this building site eating their lunch, the first one opens his box and says, ‘Oh God, not Peanut butter again. If I get peanut butter again I’m going to jump off here and kill myself.’ The second opens his box and says, ‘Oh God not marmite, I hate marmite, if I get it again I’m going to jump off here and kill myself.’ The third man opens his box and says, ‘Oh no not Tuna fish again, I hate it! If I get this again, I’m going to kill myself as well.’
The next day during their lunch break the first man opens his box, sure enough inside was peanut butter sandwiches, so he jumps of the building and kills himself. The second man opens his box and, yup, marmite sandwiches so he jumps off and kills himself. The third man opens his box and low and behold, Tuna fish sandwiches, so he jumps off and kills himself.
At the funeral, the priest walked around to talk to the wives about why they thought their husbands didn’t like their sandwiches. The first one said through tears, ‘I didn’t know, he should have said he didn’t like peanut butter.’ The second one said through tears, ‘I didn’t know my husband didn’t like marmite, I would have given him something else.’ The wife of the third man said, ‘I don’t know, he makes his own bloody sandwiches!’
A kid finds a magical lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears and says, “What is your first wish?”
The kid says, “I wish I were rich!”
The genie replies, “It is done! What is your second wish, Rich?”
A preacher, newly called to a small country town, needed to mail a letter. Passing a young boy on the street, the pastor asked where he could find the post office. After getting his answer, the minister thanked the boy and said,
“If you’ll come to the community church this evening, you can hear me tell everyone how to get to heaven.”
“I don’t know, sir,” the boy replied. “You don’t even know how to get to the post office!”
The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.
The man asks ‘Is it serious, doctor?’ and the doctor replies ‘I’m sorry to tell you but this is just the tip of the iceberg’.
This guy is walking past a wooden fence. On the other side of the fence is an asylum.
The inmates are all screaming at the tops of their lungs, “Thirteen Thirteen THIRTEEN ”
The guy notices a small hole in the fence and his curiosity naturally gets the better of him. He takes a peek and a finger suddenly pops out and jabs him in the eye.
He yells in pain as the inmates start shouting, “Fourteen Fourteen FOURTEEN “
A young Greek man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.” The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, “Okay, Ma, guess which one I’m going to marry.”
She immediately replies, “The one on the right.”
“That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right. How did you know?”
The Greek mother replies “I don’t like her.”
Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the centre of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.
The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, “I hate playing with your Dad.”
Three construction workers
are sitting at the top of this building site eating their lunch, the first one opens his box and says, ‘Oh God, not Peanut butter again. If I get peanut butter again I’m going to jump off here and kill myself.’ The second opens his box and says, ‘Oh God not marmite, I hate marmite, if I get it again I’m going to jump off here and kill myself.’ The third man opens his box and says, ‘Oh no not Tuna fish again, I hate it! If I get this again, I’m going to kill myself as well.’
The next day during their lunch break the first man opens his box, sure enough inside was peanut butter sandwiches, so he jumps of the building and kills himself. The second man opens his box and, yup, marmite sandwiches so he jumps off and kills himself. The third man opens his box and low and behold, Tuna fish sandwiches, so he jumps off and kills himself.
At the funeral, the priest walked around to talk to the wives about why they thought their husbands didn’t like their sandwiches. The first one said through tears, ‘I didn’t know, he should have said he didn’t like peanut butter.’ The second one said through tears, ‘I didn’t know my husband didn’t like marmite, I would have given him something else.’ The wife of the third man said, ‘I don’t know, he makes his own bloody sandwiches!’
A kid finds a magical lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears and says, “What is your first wish?”
The kid says, “I wish I were rich!”
The genie replies, “It is done! What is your second wish, Rich?”
A preacher, newly called to a small country town, needed to mail a letter. Passing a young boy on the street, the pastor asked where he could find the post office. After getting his answer, the minister thanked the boy and said,
“If you’ll come to the community church this evening, you can hear me tell everyone how to get to heaven.”
“I don’t know, sir,” the boy replied. “You don’t even know how to get to the post office!”
Feb 16, 2021 11:49:52 #
Feb 16, 2021 12:13:37 #
Feb 16, 2021 12:25:25 #
Ronniejw wrote:
A man goes to the doctor and says ‘Doctor, there’s... (show quote)
More good ones Ronnie!
Feb 16, 2021 14:43:37 #
Feb 16, 2021 20:47:58 #
FixorFish
Loc: SW Oregon
Great ones, as usual, Ronnie.
My dad's (Methodist minister and non-golfer) favorite along those lines....
It had been raining for three straight weeks and finally, the weatherman said "folks, we're going to get a short break, before more rain comes in on Monday, starting to dry out Saturday evening and on Sunday, should be partly cloudy & 80°, drying out the golf course, for sure." The local parson, a golf fanatic that usually managed to play during the week on a near-deserted course, could not believe his ears. He immediately called his associate pastor, telling him he had an emergency to deal with on Sunday, and he needed the associate to take over on Sunday, which the underling readily agreed to.
God and St. Peter observed this untruth being uttered and St. Peter asked God if he was going to prevent this obvious deception. "Nope", said God, "but justice will be served".
The minister sneaks out of the parsonage quite early, to be one of the first to tee up. First tee, hits a 225yd drive right down the middle, chips to the green perfectly, one putts... a perfect eagle. Next hole, 250yd drive, ON to the green, one putt.... double eagle ! St. Peter looks at God and says..."this guy has never in his life, played this well....I thought you were going to see to it that he got justice for lying to his co-worker..." "Just wait" says God. The next four holes go pretty much the same as the first two. The pastor is feeling pretty cocky as he approaches the 7th, a short par-3. He tees up and takes a great swing at the ball....and low and behold !.....a hole in one !!
By this time, St. Peter is flummoxed...."so, God, when is the justice coming ? This guy is having the best game of his life".
God answers...."it just came on that last hole.......who's he going to tell ?"
My dad's (Methodist minister and non-golfer) favorite along those lines....
It had been raining for three straight weeks and finally, the weatherman said "folks, we're going to get a short break, before more rain comes in on Monday, starting to dry out Saturday evening and on Sunday, should be partly cloudy & 80°, drying out the golf course, for sure." The local parson, a golf fanatic that usually managed to play during the week on a near-deserted course, could not believe his ears. He immediately called his associate pastor, telling him he had an emergency to deal with on Sunday, and he needed the associate to take over on Sunday, which the underling readily agreed to.
God and St. Peter observed this untruth being uttered and St. Peter asked God if he was going to prevent this obvious deception. "Nope", said God, "but justice will be served".
The minister sneaks out of the parsonage quite early, to be one of the first to tee up. First tee, hits a 225yd drive right down the middle, chips to the green perfectly, one putts... a perfect eagle. Next hole, 250yd drive, ON to the green, one putt.... double eagle ! St. Peter looks at God and says..."this guy has never in his life, played this well....I thought you were going to see to it that he got justice for lying to his co-worker..." "Just wait" says God. The next four holes go pretty much the same as the first two. The pastor is feeling pretty cocky as he approaches the 7th, a short par-3. He tees up and takes a great swing at the ball....and low and behold !.....a hole in one !!
By this time, St. Peter is flummoxed...."so, God, when is the justice coming ? This guy is having the best game of his life".
God answers...."it just came on that last hole.......who's he going to tell ?"
Feb 16, 2021 20:50:08 #
FixorFish
Loc: SW Oregon
Great ones, as usual, Ronnie.
My dad's (Methodist minister and non-golfer) favorite along those lines....
It had been raining for three straight weeks and finally, the weatherman said "folks, we're going to get a short break, before more rain comes in on Monday, starting to dry out Saturday evening and on Sunday, should be partly cloudy & 80°, drying out the golf course, for sure." The local parson, a golf fanatic that usually managed to play during the week on a near-deserted course, could not believe his ears. He immediately called his associate pastor, telling him he had an emergency to deal with on Sunday, and he needed the associate to take over on Sunday, which the underling readily agreed to.
God and St. Peter observed this untruth being uttered and St. Peter asked God if he was going to prevent this obvious deception. "Nope", said God, "but justice will be served".
The minister sneaks out of the parsonage quite early, to be one of the first to tee up. First tee, hits a 225yd drive right down the middle, chips to the green perfectly, one putts... a perfect eagle. Next hole, 250yd drive, ON to the green, one putt.... double eagle ! St. Peter looks at God and says..."this guy has never in his life, played this well....I thought you were going to see to it that he got justice for lying to his co-worker..." "Just wait" says God. The next four holes go pretty much the same as the first two. The pastor is feeling pretty cocky as he approaches the 7th, a short par-3. He tees up and takes a great swing at the ball....and low and behold !.....a hole in one !!
By this time, St. Peter is flummoxed...."so, God, when is the justice coming ? This guy is having the best game of his life".
God answers...."it just came on that last hole.......who's he going to tell ?"
My dad's (Methodist minister and non-golfer) favorite along those lines....
It had been raining for three straight weeks and finally, the weatherman said "folks, we're going to get a short break, before more rain comes in on Monday, starting to dry out Saturday evening and on Sunday, should be partly cloudy & 80°, drying out the golf course, for sure." The local parson, a golf fanatic that usually managed to play during the week on a near-deserted course, could not believe his ears. He immediately called his associate pastor, telling him he had an emergency to deal with on Sunday, and he needed the associate to take over on Sunday, which the underling readily agreed to.
God and St. Peter observed this untruth being uttered and St. Peter asked God if he was going to prevent this obvious deception. "Nope", said God, "but justice will be served".
The minister sneaks out of the parsonage quite early, to be one of the first to tee up. First tee, hits a 225yd drive right down the middle, chips to the green perfectly, one putts... a perfect eagle. Next hole, 250yd drive, ON to the green, one putt.... double eagle ! St. Peter looks at God and says..."this guy has never in his life, played this well....I thought you were going to see to it that he got justice for lying to his co-worker..." "Just wait" says God. The next four holes go pretty much the same as the first two. The pastor is feeling pretty cocky as he approaches the 7th, a short par-3. He tees up and takes a great swing at the ball....and low and behold !.....a hole in one !!
By this time, St. Peter is flummoxed...."so, God, when is the justice coming ? This guy is having the best game of his life".
God answers...."it just came on that last hole.......who's he going to tell ?"
Feb 17, 2021 18:29:20 #
Feb 17, 2021 21:37:35 #
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