A young priest was nervous before having his first Mass. So, the Monsignor told him to place a glass of vodka beside the water glass and if he felt nervous, to take a little sip, so at his mass the young priest did as the Monsignor suggested. He started the Mass and immediately felt nervous so he proceeded to drink the vodka. After the first couple of hits he gave a lengthy sermon. After Mass he returned to his cubicle and found the following note on his door

#1---sip the vodka, don't gulp it

#2---there are Ten Commandments, not twelve

#3---there are twelve disciples, not ten

#4---Jesus was consecrated, not constipated

#5---Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass

#6---We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

#7---The father, the Son and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook

#8---David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him

#9---When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, we do not say he was stoned off his ass

#10---We do not refer to the Holy Cross as the Big T

#11---When Jesus broke bread at The Last Supper he said "Take this and eat for it is my body", he did not say "eat me"

#12---The Virgin Mary is not referred to as "Mary with the cherry"

#13---The recommended grace before a meal is not "rub-a-dub-dub thanks for the grub, yeah God!

#14---Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St Peters, not a peter-pulling contest at St Taffys