In a seductive voice she asked her husband;"Have you ever seen a crumpled up ten dollar bill?"
"Well,no,I don't think so"He replied
She gave him a sexy smile,unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse,reached in past the cleavage and pulled out a crumpled up ten dollar bill.
He took the tenner and smiled approvingly
She then asked him;"Have you ever seen a crumpled up hundred dollar bill"?
"Uh,no,I haven't" ,he replied
She gave him another sexy smile,pulled up her skirt,seductively reached inside her silky panties and pulled out a crumpled hundred dollar bill
He took the hundred and started breathing hard in anticipation
"Now"she said ,with a sultry look in her eyes'Have you ever seen a fifty thousand dollar bill all crumpled up"?"No'He said,even more excited now
"Then go look in the garage !"She said

For several years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman
Then one night she confided in him that she was pregnant
Not wanting to ruin his marriage,he told her he would pay her a large amount of money
if she would return to Italy and have the child
Furthermore he would provide child support until the child was 18
The lady agreed,but then asked how he would know when the child was born
To keep it discreet,he told her to send him a post card with the message"spagetti"
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin
About 9 months later,he came home to find his wife confused
She said'Honey ,you got the strangest post card in the mail today"
The man just said, "Okay,give it to me and I will explain later
The wife gave him the card and watched in amazement as her husband turned a sickly green and fainted
On the post card was this message

Spagetti,spagetti,spagetti,spagetti,spagetti
three with meatballs
two without
need more sauce!!!

Betts visited her doctor for a checkup
After exaustive lab tests,the Dr. told Betts;For your age you are doing very well.Then Betts asked him,"Do you think I'll live to be as old as badbobby"?
The dr. asked her,Do you smoke or drink?"
"No"Said Betts"And I don't do drugs neither."
Then the Dr asked,Do you eat rib eye steaks and bar b-qued ribs?"
Betts replied"No"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun,fishing,hiking,boating,playing tennis or swimming"?Asked the dr
"No,none of those things"replied Betts.
,Then the Dr. asked Betts if she gambled,drove fast cars,or had a lot of sex with handsome men
"No,I don't "said Betts
Then the Dr. asked,Then why would you want to live as long as badbobby"???

It's your turn in the barrel Betts

I'm posting this on the Stage,not to make you sad,but to maybe make you cry,just a lil
this is a true story




She was six years old when I first met her on the beach

I drive to this beach,
,a distance of three or four miles,when ever it seems as if the world is closing in on me

She was building a sand castle or something,and she looked up at me with eyes as blue as the sea

'Hello "she said

I answered with a nod,not in the mood to be bothered by a small child

"I'm building"she said

I irritably answered her"I can see that",and really not caring,asked"What is it"?

"I really don't know "she replied"I just like the feel of the sand"

A sandpiper glided by just then and she exclaimed"Oh,that's a joy"

"It's a what?"I asked

"My Mommy says sandpipers come by to bring us joy"

The bird glided on down the beach,and I muttered "Goodbye joy and hello pain,and turned to walk on

I was depressed.My life seemed completely out of kilter

She followed me and asked"What's your name?"

"Robert"I said,"Robert Peterson

"Mine's Wendy,I'm six"

"Hi Wendy"

She giggled "You're funny"

In spite of my gloom I couldn't keep from smiling,and kept walking

Her musical giggle followed me

"Come back again Mr P"she called

"We will have another happy day'

The next few days consisted of a Troop of unruly Boy Scouts,PTA meetings ,and a very much ailing mother

The sun was shining one morning,when I thought "I need a sandpiper"

The ever changing seashore awaited me,though the breeze was chilly'I strode along,trying to recapture the serenity I craved

"Hello Mr P"she called."Will you play with me"?

I just said snidely'what kind of game do you want to play"?

"I don't know Mr P,you say"

I sarcastically replied"How about Charades">

The tinkling laughter burst forth'But I don't know what that is!"

Then let's just walk"

Looking at her I noticed the paleness of her face

"Where do you live Wendy"

"Over there"she said,pointing toward a row of Summer cottages.

Strange,I thought.It's winter time

"Where do you go to school"?

"Oh,I don't go to school,Mommy says we are on vacation"

She chattered little girl talk as we proceeded up the beach,but my mind was on other things when I left for home

Wendy hollered at me"It's been a happy day Mr P"

Three weeks later I rushed to the beach in a state of near panic.

I was in no mood to be bothered by a child

I felt like going to her mother and demanding her to keep her child at home

"Look if you don't mind Wendy"I said crossly"I'd rather be alone today",when she caught up with me

She seemed unusually pale and out of breath."Why"?she asked

"Because my mother died"I shouted.And I thought to myself'Why am I telling this little girl my troubles'?

"Oh"she quietly replied"Did it hurt you Mr P"?Then this is a bad day

"Yes I snarled ,today,yesterday,the day before,all are "bad days"

"OH,just go away little girl,and yes it hurt me deeply!!"

Wrapped in my grief I left Wendy and the beach

Three months later I returned to the beach,but there was no sign of Wendy

Guilty and ashamed of myself for the way I had talked to her,and admitting to my self that I missed her,I knocked on her cabin door

A young lady answered the door.

"Hello,I'm Robert Stevenson,I missed Wendy today,and I just wondered if she was okay"

"Oh,Mr Stevenson,please come in,Wendy has spoken so many times of her Mr P.I'm afraid I let her bother you,and I apologize for her being such a nuisance "

"Not at all.she is a delightful child"(and I suddenly realized that Wendy was just that)

With tears swelling in her eyes ,Wendy's mother said

"She passed away last month Mr Stevenson,Wendy had Leukemia,and I guess she just didn't tell you"

Stricken dumb,I groped for a chair and sat down.I was devastated

"She so loved this beach that when she begged to come back,I couldn't refuse her"the mother said

"She seemed so much better here,and had many of what she called "happy days",but then she declined rapidly"

Her voice faltered but she said"Wendy left something for you Mr Peterson,if I can find it", and she left me sitting there

I nodded stupidly,my mind racing for something to say to this mother who had lost her child

Then she returned and handed me a smeared envelope with Mr P written on it in childish letters

and in side was a drawing in crayon
---a yellow beach,a blue sea,and a brown bird

underneath was carefully printed---A sandpiper to bring you joy Mr P

Tears welled in my own eyes and a heart that had forgotten to love,opened wide

I took Wendy's mother in my arms"I"m so sorry,I'm so sorry"I uttered over and over,and we wept together

That precious drawing is now framed and hanging in my den

Words,one for each year of her life, that speak to me of harmony,courage,and undemanding love


A gift from a small child with sea blue eyes and hair the color of sand

who gave to me the gift of love

Note
again,this is a true story,sent to me by Robert Peterson

It happened over twenty years ago and it changed his life

It serves as a reminder that we should take time to enjoy each other,and to just enjoy our lives,

the price of hating others is unloving oneself

It is a reminder that we should all take time to smell the roses

Life is so complicated,the hustle and bustle can make us lose focus on what is truly important

Be sure to give your loved ones an extra hug,and by all means take time(if only ten seconds)to smell the roses

This came from Mr P's heart and I wanted to share it with you

everything that happens happens for a reason,there are no coincidences

Never brush aside anyone as insignificant!

Who knows what even a small child can teach us?

May god bless you and keep you
and
I wish you all a "sandpiper--a "happy day"

A man was installing a new doo rand found that one of the hinges was missing.
So he asked his girl friend if she would go to Lowes and pick one up.
She agreed and when she got to Lowes and as waiting for assistance,she espied a beautiful bathroom faucet.When the sales person told her that they had the hinge she wanted in stock,but he would have to go to the storeroom to get it
"Well,before you go,would you tell me the price on that beautiful bathroom faucet"?she asked
The salesperson replied"yes Ma'am,that is a gold plated faucet,and it's priced at $499.99"
"Oooh,thats too expensive for me"she replied
Then while in the storeroom the salesperson hollered to her;"do you wanta screw for that hinge?"
She hollered back;
No,but I will for that faucet"!!!

We were born to mothers who may have smoked,or drank when they were pregnant
They took aspirin,ate blue cheese dressing,ate tuna from the can,and weren't tested for diabetes
but we survived
Then after all that trauma,we were put to sleep on our tummies,in cribs painted with lead paint.
We had no child proof lids on medicine bottles,nor locks on doors.
When we rode our bikes we wore baseball caps--not helmets.
We rode in cars with no car seats ,no seat belts,no air bags,bald tires,and some times even no brakes.
Riding in the back of a pickup was a special treat
But we survived
We drank water from the garden hose(not from a sanitized bottle)
We shared a soda pop with two or three friends--no one got sick
We ate cup cakes,white bread,real butter,and bacon
We drank cool aid with real sugar--and we didn't gain weight!-Why?
Because we were always outside romping and playing,cowboys and indians,or jumping rope,or hide and seek
And we survived
We would go off and play all day,and as long as we were home before dark,no one worried.
We spent hours building go carts from scrap lumber,rode them down hills,only to find out that we forgot to add brakes.
But we survived
WE didn't have Play Stations,Nintendos or X Boxes,no video games,no ear phones,no TV,no cell phones,no computers,no internet and no chat rooms.
But we had lots of friends,and we went outside and found them.
WE fell out of trees,jumped off garage roofs got sprains and sometimes broken bones--and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We got spanked with belts,paddles,switches and even bare hands--but no one called child services to report abuse.
And we survived
We ate worms and mud pies,and the worms didn't (in spite of what we were told) live inside of us forever.
We were given bbguns on our 9th birthdays,and we didn't put out too many eyes ,when we played War.
But we survived
WE rode our bikes or walked to our friends house and either knocked on the door or just walked in and talked to them.
We had Little League tryouts,and not every boy made a team.Those who weren't selected had to learn to live with disappointment--Imagine that!!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.Our parents sided with the law.
But we survived
These generations produced some of the best problem solvers and inventors ever.
And the past 60 to 85 years have seen an explosion of innovation and new ideas
Our generations had freedom,success,and responsibility,and we dealt with it all.
If you are one of those born between 1920 and 1950--Congratulations!!!
You might want to share this with others who had the good fortune to be kids in the 20s,30ys and 40s
While you are at it,show it to your grand kids and great grand kids,so they will know how brave and how lucky were their forebears
WE survived!!!
A quote from Jay Leno
"With all the hurricanes,fires out of control,mud slides,flooding,tornadoes tearing up the country from one end to the other,and with the threat of bird flu ,
are you sure this is a good time to take GOD out of the Pledge of Allegiance????"

note
some portions of this post were deleted or changed
so as not to get in trouble with admin

Warning
do not wash your hair in the shower
You will appreciate this warning
It involves the use of shampoo when it runs down your body as you shower.
You really need to heed this warning!
I don't know why the public wasn't informed about this a long time ago.
I have always used shampoo in the shower!!!!
But when you wash your hair in the shower,the shampoo runs down your body,
and printed clearly on the shampoo label is this warning;"For Extra Body and Volume"!!!
No dam wonder I have gained so much weight!!!
So I for one have alleviated this problem.
I got rid of the shampoo,and I now use "Dawn Dishwashing Liquid"
The label on the dishwashing liquid states;"Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove"!!
problem solved
BTW
If I don't answer the phone when you call to thank me,I'll be in the shower.
it's okay iff'n you wanna send money or checks or gift cards

actual ads
Seven woman,one man ,hot tub$800

Amanda Washer--owned by clean young bachelor who seldom washes--$100

Snow Blower for sale--$150--used only on snowy days

Free puppies--part German Shepherd,part stray dog

Two wire-mesh butchering gloves,one five finger,one three finger--$10

Tickle-me Elmo,still in box--comes with own 1988 Mustang-excellent condition--$6800

Cows and calves-never bred--also one gay bull for sale

1983 Hunchback Toyota--$2,oo0

Star Wars -Job of the Hut--$15

Free puppies--Half Cocker Spaniel--half sneaky neighbors dog

Free Yorkshire Terrier--Very unpleasant little dog

Sale --soft and genital bath tissue

German Shepherd-neutered and speaks German#200

Full size mattress,20 year guarantee-like new except for slight urine smell

Free--one can of pork and beans--with purchase of 3 bed-room,2 bath home

For sale-Lee Majors,#50 million dollar man--4o bucks

For sale--Nordic Treadmill,hardly used--call Chubby

Bill's Septic Cleaning--"We haul American made products"

Found--dirty little white dog,looks like a rat.Been out a while,there better be a reward

Hummer's largest selection ever"If it's in stock-we have it"

For sale one travel urinal--holds two and a half bottles of beer

Parachute--never opened-slightly stained

Free kittens--they are ready to eat

Notice--to the person who took the large pumpkin on hyway 67
return pumpkin and have yourself checked for radiation
all the rest of the pumpkins have died from radioactivity

Washer and dryer for sale- don't need,joining nudist colony,

And finally--
For sale complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica,45 volumes-best offer--no longer need--got married and wife knows everything

BB and Bahmer Walked into a restaurant for a bite to eat, Right as they started to talk they noticed a woman start coughing, After a minute it was obvious she had a problem, BB Walked over and said, 'Kin Ya swaller?' She shook her head no, Then he Said, 'Kin Ya Breathe?' She shook her head no, So he got down on his hands and knees lifted up her skirt and licked the right cheek, As she started to angrily spasm, she actually coughed up the obstruction. BB Walked back to his table where Bahmer said, Wow, I've always heard about that there Hindlick maneuver, Never thought I'd see her done Right'chere infront of me."



Darn, I'm older than dirt!!



Someone asked the other day,,,,,,,,,,,,,

'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up ?'
'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up ,'

I informed him, ' All the food was slow .'

'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'
'It was a place called 'home,' I explained!

'Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work,

we sat down together at the dining room table, & if I didn't like what she put on my plate, I was allowed to sit there until I did like it '

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.



Here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:



Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card.



My parents never drove me to school. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow)



We didn't have a television in our house until I was 10. It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at 11, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God. It came back on the air at about 6 a.m. And there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people ...

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home... But milk was & so was bread



All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers -- my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week. He had to get up at 5 AM every morning .



Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies! There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive .

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust their gut laughing.



Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it ?



MEMORIES :



My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old .



How many do you remember ?

Head lights dimmer switches on the floor .
Ignition switches on the dashboard .
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards .
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner .
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals .

Older Than Dirt Quiz :
Count all the ones that you remember , NOT the ones you were told about !
Ratings at the bottom .

1. Candy cigarettes
2. Coffee shops with tableside juke boxes

3. Home milk delivery in glass bottles
4. Party lines on the telephones
5. Newsreels before the movie
6. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels!! If you had a TV!!

7. Pea-shooters
8. Howdy Doody

9. 45 RPM records

10. 78 rpm records
11. Hi-fi records 33 1/3 rpm
12. Metal ice trays with lever
13. Blue flashbulb
14. Cork popguns

15. Studebakers

16. Wash tub wringers
<>
If you remembered 0-3 = You're still young
If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older
If you remembered 7-10 = Don't tell your age, &
If you remembered 11-16 = You're older than dirt !!!THAT'S ME !!! (I remember them all, therefore I’m nearly dirt, never mind older than dirt LoL)

I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life .

"The Meaning of the Flag Draped Coffin"
24f200d7.gif
Meaning of Flag Draped Coffin
All Americans should be given this lesson. Those who think that America is an arrogant nation should really reconsider that thought. Our founding fathers used GOD's word and teachings to establish our Great Nation and I think it's high time Americans get re-educated about this Nation's history.
Pass it along and be proud of the country we live in and even more proud of those who serve to protect our 'GOD GIVEN' rights and freedoms.

I hope you take the time to read this ... To understand what the flag draped coffin really means ... Here is how to understand the flag that laid upon it and is surrendered to so many widows and widowers.
Do you know that at military funerals, the 21-gun salute stands for the sum of the numbers in the year 1776?
24f200e6.gif
Have you ever noticed the honor guard pays meticulous attention to correctly folding the United States of America Flag 13 times? You probably thought it was to symbolize the original 13 colonies, but we learn something new every day!
The 1st fold of the flag is a symbol of life.
24f200f6.gif
The 2nd fold is a symbol of the belief in eternal life.
24f20106.gif
The 3rd fold is made in honor and remembrance of the veterans departing the ranks who gave a portion of their lives for the defense of the country to attain peace throughout the world.
24f20115.gif
The 4th fold represents the weaker nature, for as American citizens trusting in God, it is to Him we turn in times of peace as well as in time of war for His divine guidance.
24f20125.gif
The 5th fold is a tribute to the country, for in the words of Stephen Decatur, 'Our Country, in dealing with other countries, may she always be right; but it is still our country, right or wrong.'
24f20134.gif
The 6th fold is for where people's hearts lie. It is with their heart that they pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America , and the Republic for which it stands, one Nation under God, indivisible, with Liberty and Justice for all.
The 7th fold is a tribute to its Armed Forces, for it is through the Armed Forces that they protect their country and their flag against all her enemies, whether they be found within or without the boundaries of their republic.
24f20144.gif
The 8th fold is a tribute to the one who entered into the valley of the shadow of death, that we might see the light of day.
24f20154.gif
The 9th fold is a tribute to womanhood, and Mothers. For it has been through their faith, their love, loyalty and devotion that the character of the men and women who have made this country great has been molded.
The 10th fold is a tribute to the father, for he, too, has given his sons and daughters for the defense of their country since they were first born.
24f20163.gif
The 11th fold represents the lower portion of the seal of King David and King Solomon and glorifies in the Hebrews eyes, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.
24f20173.gif
The 12th fold represents an emblem of eternity and glorifies, in the Christians eyes, God the Father, the Son and Holy Spirit.
The 13th fold, or when the flag is completely folded, the stars are uppermost reminding them of their Nations motto, 'In God We Trust.'
24f20192.gif
After the flag is completely folded and tucked in, it takes on the appearance of a cocked hat, ever reminding us of the soldiers who served under General George Washington, and the Sailors and Marines who served under Captain John Paul Jones, who were followed by their comrades and shipmates in the Armed Forces of the United States, preserving for them the rights, privileges and freedoms they enjoy today.
There are some traditions and ways of doing things that have deep meaning.
In the future, you'll see flags folded and now you will know why.
Share this with the children you love and all others who love what is referred to, the symbol of ' Liberty and Freedom.'


IN GOD WE TRUST

Don Meredith,Dallas Cowboys quarterback once said;"Coach Tom Landry is such a perfectionist that if he was married to Raquel Welch,he would expect her to cook"


Harry Neale,professional hockey coach;"Last year we couldn't win at home and we were losing on the road.my failure as a coach was that I couldn't think of anyplace else to play"

Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver:"Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch"

Doug Sanders,professional golfer:I'm working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time.If I can just die after lunch Tuesday,everything will be fine"


Mickey Lolich,Detroit Tigers pitcher;All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives,See,there's a fat guy doing okay.Bring me another beer"


Tommy LaSorda,L A Dodgers manager:"I found out that it's not good to talk about my troubles.Eighty percent of the people who hear them don't care and the other twenty percent are glad I'm having them"


E.J.Holub,Kansas City Chiefs Linebacker regarding twelve knee operations"My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget"


iVic Braden,tennis instructor:My theory is if you buy an ice cream cone and make it hit your mouth ,you can learn to play tennis.If you stick it on your forehead,your chances aren't as good"


Walt Garrison,Dallas Cowboys fullback when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles:"I don't know,I only played there nine years"


John Breen,Houston Oilers:'We were tipping off our plays.When ever we broke from the huddle,three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost"


Bum Phillips,New Orleans Saints,after viewing a lopsided loss to The Atlanta Falcons:The film looks suspiciously like the game itself


Al Habrosky,major league relief pitcher:"When I'm on the road,my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo"


Paul Horning,Green Bay Packers running back on why his marriage ceremony was before noon:"Because if it didn't work out.I didn't want to blow the whole day"


Lou Holtz,Arkansas football coach:"I have a lifetime contract.That means I can't be fired during the third quarter if we're ahead and moving the ball"


Knute Rockne,when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game:I won't know until my barber tells me on Monday"


Bill Walton,Portland Trail Blazers:"I learned a long time ago that Minor surgery is when they do the operation on someone else,not you"


George Mcintyre,Vanderbilt coach surveying the team roster that included twenty six freshmen and twenty five sophomores:Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash"


Rick Venturi,Northwestern coach:The only difference between me and General Custer is that I have to watch the films on Sunday"

And you thought Yogi Berra was the only one whose mind worked this way!!!!

A thirsty BadBobby runs from his fishing boat to the nearest bar and shouts to the bartender, “Give me twenty shots of Jack Daniels...quickly ”

The bartender pours out the shots and BB drinks them one after another, as fast as he can.

The bartender is very impressed and exclaims, “Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast.”

To which The Ol' Feller replies, “Well, you’d drink that fast too, if you had what I have.”

The bartender says, “Oh my God, BB What is it that you have”

“Fifty cents” replied The Ancient Mariner.

BadBobby was serving aboard a WWII ship and had never lost a bet...'cept to Marines at the poker table.

The week before BB had bet his captain that the ship was going to experience the largest storm in history. The captain said, "There is nothing on the radar, you're on, BB". That night the ship experienced the largest storm in history and the captain lost $200. Tired of losing to BB, the captain decided to transfer him to the the fleet's flag ship commanded by the Fleet Admiral. He warned the admiral never to bet with BB, as he never loses a bet.

Soon afterwards, BadBobby came up to the admiral and said, I bet you $20 you have hodgkin's podgkin's disease. The admiral asked "What the hell? How does one know if he has hodgkin's podgkin's disease?" BB said, "Well there is only one way to tell if you have hodgkin's podgkin's disease. You stick a banana up your ass and if it comes out red you have hodgkin's podgkin's disease. If it comes out yellow you don't." The admiral dropped his pants and stuck a banana up his ass and it came out yellow. "Ha" said the admiral "I don't have hodgkin's podgkin's disease."

Soon after collecting his $20 from BadBobby, the admiral called the captain of the previous ship BB had been transferred from and bragged, "I won a bet against BB!" When the captain asked how, the admiral replied, "Well he bet me $20 I had hodgkin's podgkin's disease and the only way to tell was to stick a banana up my ass and if it comes out red you got hodgkin's podgkin's disease. If it comes out yellow you don't. In my case, it came out yellow."

The captain Immediately replied "Jeeesus Christ! I had just bet BB $1000 last week that he couldn't get you to stick a banana up your ass!"

The Legend continues