How do court stenographers keep a straight face?
Apr 6, 2024 07:54:14 #
How do court stenographers keep a straight face plus those sitting in the gallery from laughing out loud.
These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK?
WITNESS: OK.
ATTORNEY : What school did you attend?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK?
WITNESS: OK.
ATTORNEY : What school did you attend?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Apr 6, 2024 08:02:37 #
And yet the criminal justice system goes on. And just think, these are the same lawyers that are running the country.
Apr 6, 2024 08:20:58 #
Apr 6, 2024 08:33:56 #
OK Way back I was adjusting a "Daisy Wheel" printer for print quality at a court reporters office.
I asked them to send me something to print so I could finish fine tuning the wheel to hammer position.
This is what they sent. A trial of a man arrested for armed robbery of a Liquor Store.
He had a lady lawyer ask questions of the store owner.
You say my client came in to rob you?
Yes
How did you know that?
He came in and pulled out a gun.
What did you do?
I pulled out my gun and shot him.
It says here you shot him 6 times!
Yes, Mam.
Why did you shoot him 6 times?
Because he keep getting up and still holding his gun.
It says your gun was a .357, I thought that was a big gun?
So did I, I have to get a bigger gun.
The whole court broke up laughing.
BTW After being shot 6 times he still got up dropped the gun, staggered out of the store and fell down in front of a police officer.
"I got to get a bigger gun!" LOL
Could have got a 1911 Colt .45 by 6 shots he would have been outside if he kept getting up and the owner still would have had one more round left. IMHO anyway. LOL
I asked them to send me something to print so I could finish fine tuning the wheel to hammer position.
This is what they sent. A trial of a man arrested for armed robbery of a Liquor Store.
He had a lady lawyer ask questions of the store owner.
You say my client came in to rob you?
Yes
How did you know that?
He came in and pulled out a gun.
What did you do?
I pulled out my gun and shot him.
It says here you shot him 6 times!
Yes, Mam.
Why did you shoot him 6 times?
Because he keep getting up and still holding his gun.
It says your gun was a .357, I thought that was a big gun?
So did I, I have to get a bigger gun.
The whole court broke up laughing.
BTW After being shot 6 times he still got up dropped the gun, staggered out of the store and fell down in front of a police officer.
"I got to get a bigger gun!" LOL
Could have got a 1911 Colt .45 by 6 shots he would have been outside if he kept getting up and the owner still would have had one more round left. IMHO anyway. LOL
Apr 6, 2024 08:36:03 #
Flytier wrote:
And yet the criminal justice system goes on. And just think, these are the same lawyers that are running the country.
It does appear
Apr 6, 2024 08:41:44 #
Apr 6, 2024 08:44:38 #
Apr 6, 2024 08:50:43 #
kandydisbar wrote:
Wow! Just sitting here shaking my head. Yikes!
Yeah I was laughing and one of the court reporters came in and started laughing as she was the one that had to type it up in the court room.
Apr 6, 2024 08:51:57 #
MoJoe
Loc: Springfield, MO
As a lower division (justice court) judge in Arizona for the last 13 years of my career before I quit in 2020, I can tell you that I heard it all. Keeping a straight face was the toughest part of my job. Alternately I'd want to laugh out loud, yell "shut the f... up", or listen to chilling, horrible stories of abuse, it was never boring.
Occasionally, my bride to be (now my wife) would sit in the courtroom to see what I did for a job. The conversations she heard between attorneys and their clients was absolutely stunning. If I had heard any of these I certainly wouldn't be a neutral party.
What a great encore career! I miss it so much.
Occasionally, my bride to be (now my wife) would sit in the courtroom to see what I did for a job. The conversations she heard between attorneys and their clients was absolutely stunning. If I had heard any of these I certainly wouldn't be a neutral party.
What a great encore career! I miss it so much.
Apr 6, 2024 09:12:09 #
Grizzly 17
Loc: South central Pa
plumbob wrote:
How do court stenographers keep a straight face pl... (show quote)
And still they keep saying
NO SUCH THING AS A STUPID QUESTION.
Do you still BELIEVE that to be TRUE 😵💫🤣🤣
Apr 6, 2024 11:06:19 #
Apr 6, 2024 11:23:56 #
Plumbob that list was great, I actually laughed out loud.
Oz that video was hilarious, especially the signer.
Oz that video was hilarious, especially the signer.
Apr 6, 2024 11:41:17 #
EasternOZ wrote:
Still laughing here.
Apr 6, 2024 13:42:42 #
Bcmech1 wrote:
Plumbob that list was great, I actually laughed out loud.
Oz that video was hilarious, especially the signer.
Oz that video was hilarious, especially the signer.
The signer was the whole show.
Apr 6, 2024 15:01:08 #
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