ghaynes1 Loc: Strawberry Plains, TN

(This isn't an uplifting story but done by request. It may make you think.)

Imagine you are 65 and over the last eight years you are slipping mentally and physically. Everything routine takes twice as long to accomplish. You are tested by a neurologist and all signs indicate dementia. There is medicine but all it does is slow the inevitable. You have a supportive wife, children and neighbors but you are aware of what is happening to you.

People remember you the way you used to be before the diagnosis. Sometimes they are frustrated and impatient by your slow movements. You need help with all your personal cares. You consider suicide knowing things are getting progressively worse. You keep your wife awake some nights. Sleep doesn't come easy anymore.

You've worked hard all your life. You have a nice home and money in the bank. Insurance covers most charges for a caregiver three to four days a week to give your wife a break. A physical therapist comes once a week trying to help you with movement. You continue to decline. Some days are good. Almost pre-dementia like. Others are tough and demoralizing. Your wife is exhausted at times trying juggle everything in the home.

Here's your choice. Keep him at home where he would be happiest or put him in a memory home with trained caregivers to help him before his time is up. His speech is faltering. He walks with a walker or is pushed in a wheelchair. He's lost interest in most things but television. He cries not knowing why or how it will end.

You love this man with all of your heart. What would you do?

Mikeldean Loc: North Augusta SC

My own Dad just passed from a prolonged failing of his physical body. With his won acceptance we placed him in an adult family home which could provide better focused care.
It relieved our Mom of a great stressful burden.
The key, I think, is that the family does not forget him after placement. Continue to visit and spend time with him, take him on outings as appropriate.
My thoughts and prayers are with you in this process.

ghaynes1 Loc: Strawberry Plains, TN

Thanks for your response. I worked as a caregiver for 10 years. I am not personally in this situation but worked with dementia clients during that time. The regulars on FS know my history. One of them requested my experience as we all grow older.

Mikeldean Loc: North Augusta SC

Did LTC and Rehab for more yrs that I remember (My back remembers them all, however). Then memory care in a progressive Dementia care facility. Hats off to ya, it is not an easy line of work.

ghaynes1 Loc: Strawberry Plains, TN

Thanks Mikeldean.

plumbob Loc: New Windsor Maryland

A great experience to share Greg. I hope this factual thread from experience runs the course and maybe help someone in the situation you started the thread with.

I do believe that every situation is going to be different in scenario's, but with the same goal in mind what to do with a loved one. From what I remember reading here last week there are a few with spouses showing signs of altered thoughts and already wondering what is next.

I know for myself I would continue to Love my wife and keep her home as long as I can while knowing the whole time that professional out of home care will most likely be called for. It's not only the person with the failing memory at risk in homes that this is occurring. But spousal or sibling care givers mental and physical health is affected not as severe as the one in need, but is affected.

Like I say good thread, I will be watching.

ghaynes1 Loc: Strawberry Plains, TN

Thanx Bob. I'm convinced some of my challenges with depression are linked to the years of caregiving. Call it burn out if I need to label it. Larry in California is a good example of how dementia/Alzheimer's does more than affect the diagnosed individual.

plumbob Loc: New Windsor Maryland

Yes Graig I think in your case a lot of caring for your clients would cause depression. Your clients become like family after spending many hours knowing their life stories. Thus the burn out.

I too followed Larry's situation at least he has a support system that he can reach out to. That keeping it bottled up does not do a bit of good.

Graywulff Loc: Cortez,Co.

Care for him myself.

ghaynes1 Loc: Strawberry Plains, TN

The emotional and physical toll it takes on family and hired caregivers can be heavy. Any decision made comes with a price for all involved.

Graywulff Loc: Cortez,Co.

The question is, is it too high a price to pay? For caregivers perhaps so and understandably so, for family maybe not so much. What is the value of life??

Graywulff Loc: Cortez,Co.

We salute and honor the soldiers who give their lives to protect our nation, to protect their families, to protect their brothers in arms. We neglect and disdain those who spend their lives caring for the sick and dying out of a love no less strong than those honored soldiers. Are you, Greg, less a hero? Not in my book!

Gordon Loc: Charleston South Carolina

What you describe is what is going on with my MIL right now. My wife has moved up to Hendersonville to take care of her. She is dead set against my MIL going to a home. Some days are harder then others and I don't get to talk to my wife. I am fully supportive of her decision and know all things will work out.

Graywulff Loc: Cortez,Co.

It is hard Gordon, you all have my prayers..

DozerDave Loc: Port Orchard Wa.

I am living this scenario as we speak. My Dad, he’s 95 and in early stage dementia. And is physically handicapped after two broken legs, 4 years apart and a couple of falls,requires a walker/wheelchair full time. I have left my wife and home life in Washington to come to California to care for him and my Mom. She’s in good health except for mobility issues. I do it out of love and it’s what loved ones do for each other. At this point we are keeping him in his home that he worked all his life for. It’s where he’s most comfortable at. I know that in time that he will need to go to a memory facility but we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. I do get frustrated and impatient with him on occasion but I understand his situation and his frustration’s and we work it out. So if anyone else is ever confronted with this type of situation and you are able to step up and care for a loved one you will definitely feel rewarded for your efforts. I’m sure you would prefer to be treated the same in your time of need. I know I would…Your a great man Greg to care for those that needed you, if and when they had no one else to care for them…
🐟on