badbobby Loc: Humble Texas

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. -Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? -Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing. -Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.-Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. -Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. -Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. -Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. -Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed. -Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up -Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. -Phyllis Diller

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. -Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. -Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half. -Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves. -Phyllis Diller

My photographs don't do me justice -they just look like me. -Phyllis Diller

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. -Phyllis Diller

Tranquillizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children. -Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.' -Phyllis Diller

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. -Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type. -Phyllis Diller


She was one very funny woman. This world misses her!

OJdidit Loc: Oak Creek Wisconsin

Very true!

EasternOZ Loc: Kansas City Metro

Probably the best of the female comedians.

Slimshady Loc: Central Pennsylvania

As I was reading those, I was imagining her voice as she said them. They don’t grow them like that anymore

DCGravity Loc: Fairfax, VA (by way of Cleveland OH)

And that laugh! She was definitely one of a kind!

kandydisbar Loc: West Orange, NJ

Those were some good ones!

smitty Loc: maine

bet yall dint know she was actually pretty good lookin lady
saw a pic one time, looked like a different person

OLDNDN Loc: Merced County, Calif.

I once bought a peek-a-boo bra………everyone just peeked and booed. Phyllis Diller

Barnacles Loc: Northern California

Phyllis Diller talked about her breasts. She said "I get so discouraged. Sometimes, I wish I could just put the two of them together and make ONE GOOD ONE!"

OLDNDN Loc: Merced County, Calif.

Lol. Haven’t heard that one.

badbobby Loc: Humble Texas

gotta luver