new jokes
Sep 15, 2021 10:16:56 #
Thanks to a very healthy lifestyle, a married couple live well into their 100s
One day they are both killed in a tragic accident, and go to heaven.
On the first morning, they go up to God and ask where the gym is. “Gym?” God replies, “you don’t need to go to the gym here, you’ll always be in perfect shape even if you never exercise.” The wife says how nice that is, but the husband looks a little bit annoyed.
In the afternoon, they go back to God and ask where they can get high factor sunscreen. “This is heaven, you don’t need it anymore, the sun can’t burn you or give you cancer, enjoy the beaches.” The wife is satisfied, but the husband starts looking genuinely angry.
Later in the evening, they go to God and ask where they can find a health food restaurant for dinner. “We don’t have health food restaurants, you can eat as much as you want of whatever you want and never feel bloated or gain any weight.”
Finally the husband snaps, and yells at his wife “You see?! You see?! If it wasn’t for your bloody bran muffins, I could’ve been here forty years ago!”
When I was married, my wife used to call me handsome. As a matter of fact, we are now divorced but she STILL calls me handsome.
Every time I have some money, she says, HANDSOME OVER.
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer. ‘Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out.’
He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied. The wedding day arrives, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom’s vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says, ‘Will you promise to obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, as long as you both shall live?’
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, ‘Yes.’
The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, ‘I thought we had a deal.’
The vicar put the $100 into his hand and whispered back, ‘She made me a much better offer.’
Little Mary talking to Little Johnny: I found twenty cents on the sidewalk.
Little Johnny: That’s mine. I dropped a twenty-cent coin there this morning.
Little Mary: But, what I found was two ten-cent coins!
Little Johnny: That’s it. I heard it break when it hit the ground
One day they are both killed in a tragic accident, and go to heaven.
On the first morning, they go up to God and ask where the gym is. “Gym?” God replies, “you don’t need to go to the gym here, you’ll always be in perfect shape even if you never exercise.” The wife says how nice that is, but the husband looks a little bit annoyed.
In the afternoon, they go back to God and ask where they can get high factor sunscreen. “This is heaven, you don’t need it anymore, the sun can’t burn you or give you cancer, enjoy the beaches.” The wife is satisfied, but the husband starts looking genuinely angry.
Later in the evening, they go to God and ask where they can find a health food restaurant for dinner. “We don’t have health food restaurants, you can eat as much as you want of whatever you want and never feel bloated or gain any weight.”
Finally the husband snaps, and yells at his wife “You see?! You see?! If it wasn’t for your bloody bran muffins, I could’ve been here forty years ago!”
When I was married, my wife used to call me handsome. As a matter of fact, we are now divorced but she STILL calls me handsome.
Every time I have some money, she says, HANDSOME OVER.
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer. ‘Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out.’
He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied. The wedding day arrives, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom’s vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says, ‘Will you promise to obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, as long as you both shall live?’
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, ‘Yes.’
The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, ‘I thought we had a deal.’
The vicar put the $100 into his hand and whispered back, ‘She made me a much better offer.’
Little Mary talking to Little Johnny: I found twenty cents on the sidewalk.
Little Johnny: That’s mine. I dropped a twenty-cent coin there this morning.
Little Mary: But, what I found was two ten-cent coins!
Little Johnny: That’s it. I heard it break when it hit the ground
Sep 15, 2021 12:24:11 #
Sep 17, 2021 00:25:06 #
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