found some more
Jul 18, 2021 13:16:42 #
A small boy was at the zoo with his father. They were looking at the tigers, and his father was telling him how ferocious they were.
“Daddy, if the tigers got out and ate you up…”
“Yes, son?” the father asked, ready to console him.
“…Which bus would I take home?”
One Monday morning a postman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
“Wow Bob, it looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,” the postman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. We got so drunk around midnight that we started playing ‘Who Am I.'”
The postman thinks a moment and says, “How do you play that?”
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our “privates” showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.”
The mailman laughs and says, “Damn, I’m sorry I missed that.”
“Probably a good thing you did,” Bob responds. “Your name came up four or five times.”
A guy goes to see the doctor, because he’s a little too well-endowed. In fact, it’s 25 inches long and he can’t get any women because of this.
Anyway, the doctor says there’s nothing he can do medically, but recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help.
The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. “Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you’ll be 5 inches shorter.”
Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. “Frog, will you marry me?”
The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back: “No!”
The guy looks down and sure enough, he’s 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great he thinks — let’s try that again. “Will you marry me?”
The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again: “No!”
Zapp! — the guy’s down to 15 inches. Well, that’s still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again: “Frog, will you marry me?”
The irritated frog yells back: “Look.. how many times do I have to tell you? No, No, and NO!”
Scene: With a patient in my medical exam room Me: How old are your kids? Patient: Forty-four and 39 from my wife who passed away, and from my second wife, 15 and 13. Me: That’s quite the age difference! Patient: Well, the older ones didn’t give me any grandkids, so I made my own.
An exercise for people who are out of shape: Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank.
Give a man a bank and he’ll rob everyone.
Dad can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is
No sun.
Why can’t you tell a joke while ice fishing? Because it’ll crack you up!.
What is the fastest fish in the sea? The one that got away.
There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy.
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."
“Daddy, if the tigers got out and ate you up…”
“Yes, son?” the father asked, ready to console him.
“…Which bus would I take home?”
One Monday morning a postman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
“Wow Bob, it looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,” the postman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. We got so drunk around midnight that we started playing ‘Who Am I.'”
The postman thinks a moment and says, “How do you play that?”
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our “privates” showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.”
The mailman laughs and says, “Damn, I’m sorry I missed that.”
“Probably a good thing you did,” Bob responds. “Your name came up four or five times.”
A guy goes to see the doctor, because he’s a little too well-endowed. In fact, it’s 25 inches long and he can’t get any women because of this.
Anyway, the doctor says there’s nothing he can do medically, but recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help.
The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. “Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you’ll be 5 inches shorter.”
Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. “Frog, will you marry me?”
The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back: “No!”
The guy looks down and sure enough, he’s 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great he thinks — let’s try that again. “Will you marry me?”
The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again: “No!”
Zapp! — the guy’s down to 15 inches. Well, that’s still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again: “Frog, will you marry me?”
The irritated frog yells back: “Look.. how many times do I have to tell you? No, No, and NO!”
Scene: With a patient in my medical exam room Me: How old are your kids? Patient: Forty-four and 39 from my wife who passed away, and from my second wife, 15 and 13. Me: That’s quite the age difference! Patient: Well, the older ones didn’t give me any grandkids, so I made my own.
An exercise for people who are out of shape: Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank.
Give a man a bank and he’ll rob everyone.
Dad can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is
No sun.
Why can’t you tell a joke while ice fishing? Because it’ll crack you up!.
What is the fastest fish in the sea? The one that got away.
There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy.
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."
Jul 18, 2021 15:07:25 #
Ronniejw wrote:
A small boy was at the zoo with his father. They w... (show quote)
Funny stuff Ronnie but the last one is just plain mean. 😂😂😂😂😂
Jul 20, 2021 00:52:39 #
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