found some more
Dec 2, 2020 19:55:26 #
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving losers at the Post Office
The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.
The teenager tells her “Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!” and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.
“Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets.”
We all know laughter is the best medicine, which is why we’re prescribing a dose of these medical jokes.
•••
Therapist: “I’ve concluded that you are incapable of describing your emotions.”
Patient: “Well, I can’t say that I’m surprised.”
•••
Julia: “I heard you’re a hypochondriac.”
David: “Well, my doctor doesn’t think so, but I spent three days googling it and from what I can see I have all the symptoms.”
•••
After a health scare, I hugged my wife and whispered, “If something happens to me, there is a present in my closet that’s yours.”
She whispered back, “If anything happens to you, everything in your closet is mine.”
•••
People are always saying, “Take it one day at a time.”
But is there any other way to take it?
•••
To whoever stole my antidepressants; I hope you’re happy now.
•••
What do you get when you mix an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?
Someone lying awake at night wondering about the true meaning of dog.
•••
Two psychiatrists passed each other in the street.
One said to the other, “You’re fine, how am I?”
•••
A nurse went to a job interview and was asked, “What do you think your biggest weakness is?”
He thought for a moment, “I’d have to say my biggest weakness is my brutal honesty.”
“I don’t think that’s a weakness,” said the interviewer.
To which the man replied, “I don’t give a F*%@ what you think!”
•••
A mother visited a pharmacy and said, “I’d like to buy some vitamins for my young son.”
“Vitamin A, B or C?” asked the pharmacist.
The mother replied, “It doesn’t matter. He can’t read yet.”
•••
A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.
“That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he replied. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers!”
Dear God,
I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving losers at the Post Office
The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.
The teenager tells her “Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!” and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.
“Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets.”
We all know laughter is the best medicine, which is why we’re prescribing a dose of these medical jokes.
•••
Therapist: “I’ve concluded that you are incapable of describing your emotions.”
Patient: “Well, I can’t say that I’m surprised.”
•••
Julia: “I heard you’re a hypochondriac.”
David: “Well, my doctor doesn’t think so, but I spent three days googling it and from what I can see I have all the symptoms.”
•••
After a health scare, I hugged my wife and whispered, “If something happens to me, there is a present in my closet that’s yours.”
She whispered back, “If anything happens to you, everything in your closet is mine.”
•••
People are always saying, “Take it one day at a time.”
But is there any other way to take it?
•••
To whoever stole my antidepressants; I hope you’re happy now.
•••
What do you get when you mix an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?
Someone lying awake at night wondering about the true meaning of dog.
•••
Two psychiatrists passed each other in the street.
One said to the other, “You’re fine, how am I?”
•••
A nurse went to a job interview and was asked, “What do you think your biggest weakness is?”
He thought for a moment, “I’d have to say my biggest weakness is my brutal honesty.”
“I don’t think that’s a weakness,” said the interviewer.
To which the man replied, “I don’t give a F*%@ what you think!”
•••
A mother visited a pharmacy and said, “I’d like to buy some vitamins for my young son.”
“Vitamin A, B or C?” asked the pharmacist.
The mother replied, “It doesn’t matter. He can’t read yet.”
•••
A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.
“That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he replied. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers!”
Dec 2, 2020 19:59:09 #
Dec 2, 2020 20:08:15 #
Dec 2, 2020 20:18:42 #
Dec 2, 2020 20:51:43 #
Ronniejw wrote:
There was a man who worked for the Post Office who... (show quote)
You did well, Ronnie.
Dec 2, 2020 21:36:15 #
#1, no good deed ever goes unpunished. And I think that might have been me at that job interview. The older I get, the worse it seems to get.
Good ones Ronnie.
Good ones Ronnie.
Dec 2, 2020 23:58:45 #
Spiritof27 wrote:
#1, no good deed ever goes unpunished. And I think that might have been me at that job interview. The older I get, the worse it seems to get.
Good ones Ronnie.
Good ones Ronnie.
You beat me to it. 👍
Dec 3, 2020 12:47:04 #
" To whoever stole my antidepressants;"
One more computer problem today and i will be looking where i hid them.
One more computer problem today and i will be looking where i hid them.
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