Weekend Hooker Loc: Clyde, Texas

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started

___________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

_____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started..
______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.

bric Loc: Helena, MT

Those are pretty good and realistic, lol. But you used up a lot of jokes on one post,lol.

EasternOZ Loc: Kansas City Metro

All good ones WH

flyguy Loc: Lake Onalaska, Sunfish Capitol of the World!

I'm a lover, not a fighter.

plumbob Loc: New Windsor Maryland

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

My this sounds so familiar. Some people just can't laugh. Oh crap here comes the wife with a frying pan.






Thanks WH

stuco Loc: Northern Utah - Salt Lake City

Funny stuff, thanks for the laughs.

Weekend Hooker Loc: Clyde, Texas

I'm an all or nothing kinda girl.😎

Big dog Loc: Bayshore, Long Island, New York

👍👍

Graywulff Loc: Cortez,Co.

And we now have multitudinous lessons on what NOT to say from a honest to goodness gurl!

Gordon Loc: Charleston South Carolina

Good ones Hooker. I dont think i,ll try any on the wife. Well maybe one or two. LOL

The CDB is Awesome Loc: Marshall, Madison County, North Carolina

Lol Really liked number 8

Fishing Fool Loc: redding, ca

Those were all very good, not sure I'll try any on the little women as she is Irish and Italian!!!

Gordon Loc: Charleston South Carolina

You got double trouble if you got an Irish and a Italian woman. LOL.

Big dog Loc: Bayshore, Long Island, New York

Woo boy, be careful

plumbob Loc: New Windsor Maryland

Oh you are very wise FF.