Update 01/27 Good Mornin
Jan 27, 2020 10:36:20 #
Morning everyone, hows everyone's week been? I've been busy busy busy..
Things have been going somewhat smoothly.. well, more smooth than they've been. Trish is still staying in Pastor Tom's apartment attachment to they're house.. so I know shes safe. Marriage counseling has got me kind of confused though.
For example, my wife and I identify as Christians. The VA however, is very secular and spiritual things are skipped over pretty quickly, and moved on to "smarter recovery options" smh.. so our counsellor at the VA is confusing me, in the fact that what he says to do is SO contrary to what my Christian counselor is saying... and I'm not sure who to follow.
My VA counselor says that I'm doing too much to gain my wife back. He says that the more I offer her of myself, the more she will have as ammo. He said "remember when you was in high school, and you didnt have a care in the world? Remember how the girls flocked to you then? That's because you didnt care as much.. you appear weak if you care too much." He said to "do you" and stop doing for her for a while, and let her be so she can come to the decision to come back herself. I honestly thought this was terrible advice. So I called up a friend of mine, a pastor at the nazarene church, one of the churches I attend.. he is a christian marriage counselor and I trust him heavy. I've worked with him for the last 4 years and hes a great guy, strong ministry, strong marriage.. he is a PhD as well as a pastor, as well as owning and operating a successful consultation firm. Hes 8 or 10 years older than I am, so I look up to him as a successful peer and I mirror him alot..
Anyway, I posed the same question to him to see what the difference between christian counseling and secular counselling... the differences are huge, and they are many.. also, completely opposite the advice I got from the VA. Pastor Mike (my nazarene friend) told me to save a marriage you HAVE to give of yourself. There is not a such thing as "too vulnerable" when it comes to marriage. He said, "Just do you" is terrible advice, and is actually what is wrong with the world today. In a marriage, you need to do the other person and be selfless.. we are called to be set apart, and in every stitch of our lives.. and that means rubbing against the grain of men AND the world. It is neccessary and hard.
P. Mike's consulting firm teaches professional people how to become a "servant leader". Mike says that it can be applied in life applications as well as businesses. In my marriage, if I learn servant leadership, that means I would be serving my wife and children, INSTEAD of "doing me." Mike wrote a book which he gave me called "Leadership Equilibrium" and is a christian perception on servant leadership. Mike is also putting me through his course that he charges businesses literally 2500$ retainer JUST to start off....expensive. but he will not charge me. This makes me feel good because becoming a better me is my biggest goal right now. I prayed about it and boom, Mike messaged me literally after I got done. Like, I opened my eyes and Mike was ringing in my phone. God is GOOD!
I'm trying to get Trish to think about going to the church for our counseling instead of the VA... or maybe both, idk. I do know that I trust my VA counselor, hes great.. I just dont know if I can trust him with my marriage. Hes been divorced twice lol... Mike has been married for the better part of 20yrs, through all kinds of adversity, and I trust THAT. Mike also had pretty much the same situation I'm in now, except for the infidelity.. early in their marriage, he cheated on his wife. His wife was really upset as u can imagine. She even filed for divorce twice in two years, and they were seperated the entire two years.. only to come together and let God heal.. they came back stronger than ever before. That story gave me hope. I was thinking that shes been gone almost a month, its over.. but that's not the case.
Yesterday, Trish came over to drop off Aurora. We had just gotten into a big ol' argument via text messaging. We both are so strained in this seperation, and it kind of came to a head. When she came in, she was talk with my mom and kind of ignoring me at first, but I went to her and gripped her up in my arms and we hugged for more than a couple minutes, she was sobbing and I was cutting tears as well. We went into the kitchen while my mother looked after our daughter and sat down eye to eye. She voiced her frustrations and pain and all she feels like she has to do. I only listened for the most part. I did interrupt her at one point and talked over her because of what she was saying, it wasnt true.. but she asked I remain silent so she could get her perception of things out in the air. After she was done, I walked her back through what she had said, showing her I was actively listening, and I told her my perception. They didnt match up. I thought one way and she thought in another way. Neither of us was wrong, there was just I'll communication.
We learned a little more wisdom yesterday. We adulted the S*** out of yesterday, lmbo!! I'm pretty proud of the both of us. She came in the house crying, but left with a smile on her face. Job well done. Hooorah!
God bless and keep you all, God bless and Godspeed. Go in grace and rest in love.
I pray Favor over all of you today.
-Denny
Btw, photo number one is the ultrasound pics of our new addition.. it's only a gummy bear at the moment, but baby is growing!! GOD IS SO GOOD!!
Photo number two is of me 4 years ago vs. Today.
(4yrs ago I wasnt in recovery, at all.. it was hard times 4yrs ago.)
Things have been going somewhat smoothly.. well, more smooth than they've been. Trish is still staying in Pastor Tom's apartment attachment to they're house.. so I know shes safe. Marriage counseling has got me kind of confused though.
For example, my wife and I identify as Christians. The VA however, is very secular and spiritual things are skipped over pretty quickly, and moved on to "smarter recovery options" smh.. so our counsellor at the VA is confusing me, in the fact that what he says to do is SO contrary to what my Christian counselor is saying... and I'm not sure who to follow.
My VA counselor says that I'm doing too much to gain my wife back. He says that the more I offer her of myself, the more she will have as ammo. He said "remember when you was in high school, and you didnt have a care in the world? Remember how the girls flocked to you then? That's because you didnt care as much.. you appear weak if you care too much." He said to "do you" and stop doing for her for a while, and let her be so she can come to the decision to come back herself. I honestly thought this was terrible advice. So I called up a friend of mine, a pastor at the nazarene church, one of the churches I attend.. he is a christian marriage counselor and I trust him heavy. I've worked with him for the last 4 years and hes a great guy, strong ministry, strong marriage.. he is a PhD as well as a pastor, as well as owning and operating a successful consultation firm. Hes 8 or 10 years older than I am, so I look up to him as a successful peer and I mirror him alot..
Anyway, I posed the same question to him to see what the difference between christian counseling and secular counselling... the differences are huge, and they are many.. also, completely opposite the advice I got from the VA. Pastor Mike (my nazarene friend) told me to save a marriage you HAVE to give of yourself. There is not a such thing as "too vulnerable" when it comes to marriage. He said, "Just do you" is terrible advice, and is actually what is wrong with the world today. In a marriage, you need to do the other person and be selfless.. we are called to be set apart, and in every stitch of our lives.. and that means rubbing against the grain of men AND the world. It is neccessary and hard.
P. Mike's consulting firm teaches professional people how to become a "servant leader". Mike says that it can be applied in life applications as well as businesses. In my marriage, if I learn servant leadership, that means I would be serving my wife and children, INSTEAD of "doing me." Mike wrote a book which he gave me called "Leadership Equilibrium" and is a christian perception on servant leadership. Mike is also putting me through his course that he charges businesses literally 2500$ retainer JUST to start off....expensive. but he will not charge me. This makes me feel good because becoming a better me is my biggest goal right now. I prayed about it and boom, Mike messaged me literally after I got done. Like, I opened my eyes and Mike was ringing in my phone. God is GOOD!
I'm trying to get Trish to think about going to the church for our counseling instead of the VA... or maybe both, idk. I do know that I trust my VA counselor, hes great.. I just dont know if I can trust him with my marriage. Hes been divorced twice lol... Mike has been married for the better part of 20yrs, through all kinds of adversity, and I trust THAT. Mike also had pretty much the same situation I'm in now, except for the infidelity.. early in their marriage, he cheated on his wife. His wife was really upset as u can imagine. She even filed for divorce twice in two years, and they were seperated the entire two years.. only to come together and let God heal.. they came back stronger than ever before. That story gave me hope. I was thinking that shes been gone almost a month, its over.. but that's not the case.
Yesterday, Trish came over to drop off Aurora. We had just gotten into a big ol' argument via text messaging. We both are so strained in this seperation, and it kind of came to a head. When she came in, she was talk with my mom and kind of ignoring me at first, but I went to her and gripped her up in my arms and we hugged for more than a couple minutes, she was sobbing and I was cutting tears as well. We went into the kitchen while my mother looked after our daughter and sat down eye to eye. She voiced her frustrations and pain and all she feels like she has to do. I only listened for the most part. I did interrupt her at one point and talked over her because of what she was saying, it wasnt true.. but she asked I remain silent so she could get her perception of things out in the air. After she was done, I walked her back through what she had said, showing her I was actively listening, and I told her my perception. They didnt match up. I thought one way and she thought in another way. Neither of us was wrong, there was just I'll communication.
We learned a little more wisdom yesterday. We adulted the S*** out of yesterday, lmbo!! I'm pretty proud of the both of us. She came in the house crying, but left with a smile on her face. Job well done. Hooorah!
God bless and keep you all, God bless and Godspeed. Go in grace and rest in love.
I pray Favor over all of you today.
-Denny
Btw, photo number one is the ultrasound pics of our new addition.. it's only a gummy bear at the moment, but baby is growing!! GOD IS SO GOOD!!
Photo number two is of me 4 years ago vs. Today.
(4yrs ago I wasnt in recovery, at all.. it was hard times 4yrs ago.)
Jan 27, 2020 11:05:26 #
Jan 27, 2020 11:55:40 #
Jan 27, 2020 11:57:05 #
Denny, so glad to hear that things are working out. It sounds like you already know which counselor lined up with your beliefs. When building/saving a marriage, Christian principles will always outperform any others. Just try not to push things TOO fast; when she’s “ready”, she will let you know. Be patient and let God work. Let her know how much you love her and how much you are willing to do to make things better, then PRAY PRAY PRAY PRAY.
LMHO but it DID work for me.
God is good.....
LMHO but it DID work for me.
God is good.....
Jan 27, 2020 11:57:42 #
Jan 27, 2020 11:58:44 #
Randyhartford wrote:
Denny, so glad to hear that things are working out. It sounds like you already know which counselor lined up with your beliefs. When building/saving a marriage, Christian principles will always outperform any others. Just try not to push things TOO fast; when she’s “ready”, she will let you know. Be patient and let God work. Let her know how much you love her and how much you are willing to do to make things better, then PRAY PRAY PRAY PRAY.
LMHO but it DID work for me.
God is good.....
LMHO but it DID work for me.
God is good.....
Correction:JMHO (oops)
Jan 27, 2020 11:58:53 #
D L, we all wish the right answer was out there for your family, prayers and not giving advice is the best thing I can offer as of now.
Myself and I am sure others are listening to your words and like you analyzing what you are being told. Sit back my friend and take it all in. Think before you react and I know you are praying on it too.
Myself and I am sure others are listening to your words and like you analyzing what you are being told. Sit back my friend and take it all in. Think before you react and I know you are praying on it too.
Jan 27, 2020 12:20:58 #
Yes, it's a fishing forum, but you apparently missed the heading
to this page, where it says
'General Chit-Chat' (non-fishing talk) ! You want JUST fishing,
then go back to the Main Page !
THIS page often covers many topics and gives people a
chance to vent or rant about
other issues that matter to them; some may be fishing-related,
while many are NOT !
DENNY: You seem to be caught
in the middle between two strongly opposing viewpoints; years ago, I had a job where my
superior gave me instructions
to perform a certain task, then
HIS superior came by shortly
after and gave me a different
job ! When my boss asked me
why the first job wasn't done,
I told him about his superior
telling me to do otherwise; I
then suggested to both of them that they get their heads
together and decide which job they wanted done first, THEN come to me and give me their decision so that I would know
how best to proceed ! I
reminded them (although
I am not religious) that the
BIBLE tells you that "no man
can serve two masters" ! Maybe you need to tell YOUR
counselors to get together and 'duke it out' instead of offering
confusing and often conflicting advice ! Trying to figure out who's right and which advice to follow could conceivably screw things
up worse ! A third party might
be a good idea to help you
decide which/who's advice to
follow !
to this page, where it says
'General Chit-Chat' (non-fishing talk) ! You want JUST fishing,
then go back to the Main Page !
THIS page often covers many topics and gives people a
chance to vent or rant about
other issues that matter to them; some may be fishing-related,
while many are NOT !
DENNY: You seem to be caught
in the middle between two strongly opposing viewpoints; years ago, I had a job where my
superior gave me instructions
to perform a certain task, then
HIS superior came by shortly
after and gave me a different
job ! When my boss asked me
why the first job wasn't done,
I told him about his superior
telling me to do otherwise; I
then suggested to both of them that they get their heads
together and decide which job they wanted done first, THEN come to me and give me their decision so that I would know
how best to proceed ! I
reminded them (although
I am not religious) that the
BIBLE tells you that "no man
can serve two masters" ! Maybe you need to tell YOUR
counselors to get together and 'duke it out' instead of offering
confusing and often conflicting advice ! Trying to figure out who's right and which advice to follow could conceivably screw things
up worse ! A third party might
be a good idea to help you
decide which/who's advice to
follow !
Jan 27, 2020 13:54:04 #
Jan 28, 2020 14:09:28 #
I see that it is Gen chit chat. I was really just trying to lighten up a pretty heavy topic. I read his post and got what he wanted to share out of it. He said they argued by text before she arrived......in tears, as he ended his story saying. I am a girl and I realize that most guys do not think the way most girls think. I can not tell by his post if she really felt heard or not, sometimes we do not feel understood and just figure the guy does not have the capacity to truly get us. We just try to end the conversation peacefully and leave smiling. He said he talked over her, after she asked for him to listen silently and he felt the need to interrupt. I read his post and I still think they should go fishing. It is good alone time, the water has a calming effect and if you catch a fish, it is fun.
Sorry for trying to be light
Sorry for trying to be light
Jan 28, 2020 14:59:05 #
Wasn't trying to be rude or
'uppity'; we often get people on this forum page who don't 'get'
the gist of this section ! You're right; generally speaking, men really don't understand women ! Some of us DO make an effort
to try, but you ladies are just so
much more complex that it's difficult for us at best; after all,
we're just guys, plain and
simple ! One young lady I read about stated that even women
seldom understand women, and since they often don't know what they want themselves, how can
they reasonably expect us poor, simple males to know what they want ?
'uppity'; we often get people on this forum page who don't 'get'
the gist of this section ! You're right; generally speaking, men really don't understand women ! Some of us DO make an effort
to try, but you ladies are just so
much more complex that it's difficult for us at best; after all,
we're just guys, plain and
simple ! One young lady I read about stated that even women
seldom understand women, and since they often don't know what they want themselves, how can
they reasonably expect us poor, simple males to know what they want ?
Jan 28, 2020 15:44:35 #
I am guilty of being rather abrupt also, my apologies go out to you also young lady! Hard to tell intention with the written word sometimes, please accept my apologies.
Jan 29, 2020 14:03:00 #
We are all good! I do not understand women either, barely know what makes me tick. I do know that fishing can soothe the savage beast in some of us. For me it is about the same as golf, I go for the nature and beauty of the course, not my score. I really love fishing in beautiful waters, catching is just gravy on my biscuit. Tight lines to all.
Jan 29, 2020 14:03:01 #
We are all good! I do not understand women either, barely know what makes me tick. I do know that fishing can soothe the savage beast in some of us. For me it is about the same as golf, I go for the nature and beauty of the course, not my score. I really love fishing in beautiful waters, catching is just gravy on my biscuit. Tight lines to all.
Jan 29, 2020 14:17:56 #
Randyhartford wrote:
Denny, so glad to hear that things are working out. It sounds like you already know which counselor lined up with your beliefs. When building/saving a marriage, Christian principles will always outperform any others. Just try not to push things TOO fast; when she’s “ready”, she will let you know. Be patient and let God work. Let her know how much you love her and how much you are willing to do to make things better, then PRAY PRAY PRAY PRAY.
LMHO but it DID work for me.
God is good.....
LMHO but it DID work for me.
God is good.....
Timely Randy, very very on time.. I'm literally losing hope.. but this though, this gave me a bit more. Thank you. Todays been rough, to say the least. So, this was more on time than I can put in words.
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