Thoughts about Self-defeating thoughts and cognitive beliefs
Dec 12, 2019 14:56:00 #
Self-defeating thoughts. Moral scarring. Cognitive beliefs. Internal lies and the such...
I'm in therapy at least once a week. My counselor is great at his job too. He cares, he listens, he offers very good objectable advice... he can not heal me though.
I've learned some things about myself over the last few years... hard things. Things that take courage to look deeper into. I have many moral scars, which can be defined by anything that goes beyond your better judgment/conscious.. which in addiction is pretty much every single thing you do is outside better judgment. These scars dont go away, its scar tissue just like any other injury.. except with moral injuries the scars are not visible. They lay in waiting, remissive almost, until something happens that engage it back to the surface again. This happens by way of self-defeating thoughts and beliefs, most of which are due to internal lies, lies we believe to be true because we've been down this road before (or so it seems).
I operated out of this mindset for a very, very long time. I'm just now starting to be able to refute these things as they pop up. Trama in my life has caused certain cognitive beliefs that are not correct, these beliefs turn into self-defeat. And self defeat is game over for me.
I'm writing all this because it helps me refute what's in my head. My head (mind) will take true things, albeit people/events/actions..whatever the case.. and distort them, change them, even invent things that did not happen or ever will happen.. and all of this happens unbeknownst to me. It's crazy how your mind really does have a mind of it's own. I try really hard to live in the present, the here and now.. but I do get lost in my head, and alot. Once it starts, if I dont catch it and refute it, my head does it's own thing and I end up in trouble somehow...either trouble with anger, jealousy or hurt feelings. And I do this to myself!! I really am my own worst enemy.
I have trust issues. No, more than that.. I dont have the capacity to trust anymore. I'm learning how to rebuild it, I'm trying really hard.. the capacity just isn't there anymore. I dont trust women. I dont trust men. I dont trust my peers. I say I do, but if I'm being honest with myself, I know I really dont. I'm pretty sure this breaks down to "choice" because the meat and potatoes of almost everything in life boils down to choice. But how? How does one choose to do something they dont believe?
My trust issues run so deep that it's getting hard to navigate life or my marriage. Non trust is a marriage killer, I know this because I've seen it and lived it. I do not want my marriage to suffer or end, I love my wife more than words can describe. I've never known such a beautiful soul. It's amazing she can be so beautiful and kind at heart and soul, because shes been abused by every man in her past...she has her demons, and they dont get in the way of "us"...so why do I get in the way myself?
These are just some things I'm working on personally, and I wanted to get it out of me somehow, so this is an outlet for that. I'm sure you guys have been down a similar road once or twice, so when I type out some personal things of this nature, I'm either throwing out there to see if someone knows "the way", another pathway that I'm not seeing, or to hear that I'm being unreasonable.
You guys are my sounding boards, for lack of a better word..
Really deep stuff for a Thursday. Deep indeed. Thank.tou for listening, thank you for allowing a dude to vent. I appreciate you guys more than you know. Godbless and keep you..
I'm in therapy at least once a week. My counselor is great at his job too. He cares, he listens, he offers very good objectable advice... he can not heal me though.
I've learned some things about myself over the last few years... hard things. Things that take courage to look deeper into. I have many moral scars, which can be defined by anything that goes beyond your better judgment/conscious.. which in addiction is pretty much every single thing you do is outside better judgment. These scars dont go away, its scar tissue just like any other injury.. except with moral injuries the scars are not visible. They lay in waiting, remissive almost, until something happens that engage it back to the surface again. This happens by way of self-defeating thoughts and beliefs, most of which are due to internal lies, lies we believe to be true because we've been down this road before (or so it seems).
I operated out of this mindset for a very, very long time. I'm just now starting to be able to refute these things as they pop up. Trama in my life has caused certain cognitive beliefs that are not correct, these beliefs turn into self-defeat. And self defeat is game over for me.
I'm writing all this because it helps me refute what's in my head. My head (mind) will take true things, albeit people/events/actions..whatever the case.. and distort them, change them, even invent things that did not happen or ever will happen.. and all of this happens unbeknownst to me. It's crazy how your mind really does have a mind of it's own. I try really hard to live in the present, the here and now.. but I do get lost in my head, and alot. Once it starts, if I dont catch it and refute it, my head does it's own thing and I end up in trouble somehow...either trouble with anger, jealousy or hurt feelings. And I do this to myself!! I really am my own worst enemy.
I have trust issues. No, more than that.. I dont have the capacity to trust anymore. I'm learning how to rebuild it, I'm trying really hard.. the capacity just isn't there anymore. I dont trust women. I dont trust men. I dont trust my peers. I say I do, but if I'm being honest with myself, I know I really dont. I'm pretty sure this breaks down to "choice" because the meat and potatoes of almost everything in life boils down to choice. But how? How does one choose to do something they dont believe?
My trust issues run so deep that it's getting hard to navigate life or my marriage. Non trust is a marriage killer, I know this because I've seen it and lived it. I do not want my marriage to suffer or end, I love my wife more than words can describe. I've never known such a beautiful soul. It's amazing she can be so beautiful and kind at heart and soul, because shes been abused by every man in her past...she has her demons, and they dont get in the way of "us"...so why do I get in the way myself?
These are just some things I'm working on personally, and I wanted to get it out of me somehow, so this is an outlet for that. I'm sure you guys have been down a similar road once or twice, so when I type out some personal things of this nature, I'm either throwing out there to see if someone knows "the way", another pathway that I'm not seeing, or to hear that I'm being unreasonable.
You guys are my sounding boards, for lack of a better word..
Really deep stuff for a Thursday. Deep indeed. Thank.tou for listening, thank you for allowing a dude to vent. I appreciate you guys more than you know. Godbless and keep you..
Dec 12, 2019 16:23:07 #
" I'm either throwing out there to see if someone knows "the way"
This is the best start. Keeping it in only magnifies the hurt. Talk it out, and make peace with the Lord and move on.
The Lord has already forgiven you, why keep bringing it up to him and yourself?
This is the best start. Keeping it in only magnifies the hurt. Talk it out, and make peace with the Lord and move on.
The Lord has already forgiven you, why keep bringing it up to him and yourself?
Dec 12, 2019 16:58:23 #
BankStalker
Loc: Friendswood TX
plumbob wrote:
" I'm either throwing out there to see if someone knows "the way"
This is the best start. Keeping it in only magnifies the hurt. Talk it out, and make peace with the Lord and move on.
The Lord has already forgiven you, why keep bringing it up to him and yourself?
This is the best start. Keeping it in only magnifies the hurt. Talk it out, and make peace with the Lord and move on.
The Lord has already forgiven you, why keep bringing it up to him and yourself?
Hes right
I bet we all got something goin on, but most hide it. It eventually comes out anyway. I used to try to be someone different cause I wasnt satisfied w/ myself. But old Steve just kept coming out. So now Im just me Steve a goofball :)
Dec 12, 2019 17:04:55 #
Let it go Denny. Move on. You control your MIND. Your mind
doesn’t control you unless you allow
it to. Move on, brother, move on.
doesn’t control you unless you allow
it to. Move on, brother, move on.
Dec 12, 2019 18:49:48 #
Dec 12, 2019 21:56:31 #
Dennisjj
Loc: Kinston N.C.
Plum is right when you got saved the lord forgive you for all your wrong doings try not to look back and move forward i know it's not easy denny keep working at it and keep moving forward brother.
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