joke time
Jan 15, 2021 17:01:31 #
A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.
However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can’t afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
Quickly, the new “gorilla” becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the “Human-like” gorilla.
About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples’ attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions’ den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lion’s den. The man starts screaming “HELP!! HELP!!!” Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, “Shut up right now or you’re going to get us both fired.”
One morning, a girl says to her mum, “Does God use our bathroom?”
Her mum replies, “No dear, why do you ask?”
The little girl says, “Well, every morning daddy says ‘Oh God, are you still in there “
Q: What do you call sad coffee?
A: Despresso.
A newlywed religious couple is lying in bed one morning when the husband says, “How about you go brew us some coffee?”
The wife replies, “That’s your job.”
The husband, a little taken aback, says, “Says who?”
The wife replies, “The Bible; it’s on just about every page.”
The husband says, “No, it isn’t! The bible doesn’t say anything about brewing coffee!”
The wife gets her bible from the bedside table and flips through the pages as she says, “See every page: Hebrews, Hebrews, Hebrews.”
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
Q: Where do birds go for coffee?
A: To the NESTcafe
A man walks into a coffee shop carrying a big chunk of asphalt under his arm. At the counter he says, “I’ll take a large latte for myself, please, and one for the road.”
I was on the phone with my wife and said, “I’m almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on.”
After a twenty second pause, I asked, “You still there sweetheart?”
“Yeah,” she replied, “But I don’t think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…”
The Priest was preparing a man for his long day’s journey into night. Whispering firmly, the Priest said, “Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of him!”
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order.
Still, the man said nothing.
The priest asked, “Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?”
The dying man said, “Until I know for sure where I’m heading, I don’t think I ought to aggravate anybody.”
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
“What’s up?” he says.
“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,”Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
“You rotten azz,” says the husband,”my wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!!!”
However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can’t afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
Quickly, the new “gorilla” becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the “Human-like” gorilla.
About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples’ attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions’ den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lion’s den. The man starts screaming “HELP!! HELP!!!” Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, “Shut up right now or you’re going to get us both fired.”
One morning, a girl says to her mum, “Does God use our bathroom?”
Her mum replies, “No dear, why do you ask?”
The little girl says, “Well, every morning daddy says ‘Oh God, are you still in there “
Q: What do you call sad coffee?
A: Despresso.
A newlywed religious couple is lying in bed one morning when the husband says, “How about you go brew us some coffee?”
The wife replies, “That’s your job.”
The husband, a little taken aback, says, “Says who?”
The wife replies, “The Bible; it’s on just about every page.”
The husband says, “No, it isn’t! The bible doesn’t say anything about brewing coffee!”
The wife gets her bible from the bedside table and flips through the pages as she says, “See every page: Hebrews, Hebrews, Hebrews.”
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
Q: Where do birds go for coffee?
A: To the NESTcafe
A man walks into a coffee shop carrying a big chunk of asphalt under his arm. At the counter he says, “I’ll take a large latte for myself, please, and one for the road.”
I was on the phone with my wife and said, “I’m almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on.”
After a twenty second pause, I asked, “You still there sweetheart?”
“Yeah,” she replied, “But I don’t think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…”
The Priest was preparing a man for his long day’s journey into night. Whispering firmly, the Priest said, “Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of him!”
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order.
Still, the man said nothing.
The priest asked, “Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?”
The dying man said, “Until I know for sure where I’m heading, I don’t think I ought to aggravate anybody.”
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
“What’s up?” he says.
“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,”Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
“You rotten azz,” says the husband,”my wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!!!”
Jan 15, 2021 17:37:22 #
Jan 15, 2021 17:38:13 #
Ronniejw wrote:
A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before th... (show quote)
Hard to follow that.
Jan 15, 2021 18:01:12 #
D Ryb
Loc: sharon CT
A set of jummper cables walks into a bar. The bartender says ill serve you but you better not start anything
Jan 15, 2021 18:38:14 #
Jan 15, 2021 18:57:40 #
In wating on my wife gets so i can tell her some of these . All good. Ronnie. And D liked the jumper cables to.
Jan 15, 2021 19:29:08 #
Ronniejw wrote:
A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before th... (show quote)
Do you mind if i use this someday in the future?
“Until I know for sure where I’m heading, I don’t think I ought to aggravate anybody.”
Jan 15, 2021 19:51:02 #
plumbob wrote:
Do you mind if i use this someday in the future?
“Until I know for sure where I’m heading, I don’t think I ought to aggravate anybody.”
“Until I know for sure where I’m heading, I don’t think I ought to aggravate anybody.”
Sure, they are there for everyone. Will post as I get them
Jan 15, 2021 20:17:10 #
Ronniejw wrote:
Sure, they are there for everyone. Will post as I get them
More good ones Ronnie!
Jan 16, 2021 07:16:24 #
Jan 16, 2021 10:00:36 #
Jan 16, 2021 11:32:59 #
Ronniejw wrote:
A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before th... (show quote)
😂😂😂 more great ones Ronnie. I’m with plum. I like the priest one.
If you want to reply, then register here. Registration is free and your account is created instantly, so you can post right away.