badbobby Loc: Humble Texas

Stole these from my good friend Slatten on OPP
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."
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When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."

Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big sh*t he always was."
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An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
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A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"
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When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.

She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."

I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"

She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."

I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
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Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
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THE SENILITY PRAYER

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
"We should be too big to take offense, and too noble to give it."

flyguy Loc: Lake Onalaska, Sunfish Capitol of the World!

More good ones, bb, thank you!

plumbob Loc: New Windsor Maryland

Nice bed time stories bb.

bottomcoon Loc: Tahlequah, oklahoma

Put a smile on my old face.

fishinphil

i liked the rebait the trap one...my wife is ticked off that i do.

EasternOZ Loc: Kansas City Metro

I am not gonna show my wife.

teabag09 Loc: Chesapeake, Virginia

Coward. I told my wife and daughter that when I go get the son in law to chop me up and bait the crab traps though I'm not sure I'll attract any crabs. I wouldn't know one way or the other. Mike

Helen Loc: Originally from Ohio, on Lake Erie. Now Fl i

Gentlemen, your wives may be reading this already!

EasternOZ Loc: Kansas City Metro

Gentlemen???

LOL

bottomcoon Loc: Tahlequah, oklahoma

Well Oz, we have been insulted. I ain't no gentleman, I'm a redneck. You're just north of me in Kansas America so you couldn't be too deep in the gentleman stuff. My mother was born in kansas & she ain't no gentleman. My wife will never see the jokes on this forum, she already thinks I'm nuts.

EasternOZ Loc: Kansas City Metro

Not far away or off bc

I got in trouble on a float trip the wife and I were in a canoe she was in front.
I was draging my feet in the water and casting, all good until one of Her sweet pea pickin hearted cousin pointed out what I was doin.

Every since she has made the remark often you might be a redneck if your wife doubles as your trolling motor.

She still has a look in her eye when she says it.

I am still here waiting for what the look means, maybe that is my punishment, waiting for the hammer to drop.

bottomcoon Loc: Tahlequah, oklahoma

Oz my friend, that look is called "the stink eye". I've been getting that look for 50 years. My son ask me about it & wanted to know what to do to counter it. I told him to just ignore the look & ask her when dinner would be ready. I'll admit, sometimes I eat at Burger King.

Jeremy Loc: America

Here’s something kinda gross. I knew an EMT that worked on Oregon Coast and did a lot of body recovering in ocean because the employer did that as well as ambulance work. Anyway he told me not to eat shrimp because whenever they pulled bodies into the boat they were covered with shrimp 🍤 🦐

Jeremy Loc: America

🍤🦐

saw1 Loc: nor cal Windsor

Well, they gotta eat too. I like hot dogs but I don't read what's in them, do you? If it taste good, eat it if it doesn't don't, and don't ask what it is. Because if it taste good, you might not want to know what it is.